I wrote previously about my difficulty to comprehend the meaning of sanctification and as I read this devotion, I am faced again with this difficulty as well as the way these concepts are abrasive to my thinking.....Oswald Chambers does not soften the concept at all.....in fact, it seems as though his words are so very harsh and I thought I might not write on this.....because it is so difficult for me to talk about.
I understand the words...."Am I willing to reduce myself down to simply “me”? Am I determined enough to strip myself of all that my friends think of me, and all that I think of myself? Am I willing and determined to hand over my simple naked self to God?"...but to actually put that into practice and that would mean for me to give up all the social correctness I have learned over the years.....to give up my deep desire to be loved by others, accepted by them and allow God to rebuild me as He wants me to be.....holy and pure......and for a moment or even a day, I say.....Yes!!......and then the pressures of this world come in and I again seek the approval of others to find my worth......and it is frankly comfortable much of the time.
So after all the excitement I've had in my life......all the wonderful places I have lived and worked and loved......God has now placed me in Soyo, Angola. Frankly, even with all the difficulties of living here, I love it!! I am more quiet, thoughtful, and seeking through this blog to reflect on why God has led me on my journey of life......and I believe that He is the one that has opened the way and closed other paths for me whether I was seeking Him at that moment or not......because at a time in my life I had a mother and father who prayed for me......and longed to teach me how to live with God in the forefront of everything I did..........
I was raised in a home with parents that looked to serve God in everything they did. I didn't always agree with how they worked out their relationship with Him and how it then filtered down to me as their child as well as my siblings. But I believe they had hearts that were truly seeking Gods will day by day.
I remember when my mother was very upset with my behavior and had disciplined me once again....she came back and said....I want to tell you of a dream that I have and it repeats in my sleep. My mother had many dreams and would share them with us.......In this one she said that my twin sister, Mary, and I were playing in the side yard of our home in Hollywood, California. We were very small.....just toddlers.....and the landscaping and wall weren't finished and there was a steep drop off from that portion of the yard......she said in the dream it was very foggy and she could hear us calling out but we were lost in the fog and she couldn't get to us.......no matter how she tried. She said that this recurrent dream had caused her to pray for us even more than she usually did.....because she was so afraid we would fall off the side of the hill and be gone...... As I grew up into my teenage years she would remind me of this dream and how she believed my lack of obedience was what this dream was all about......
From grade 5 we children attended a Christian school......I had been truant and my mother had seen me walking down the road with my friends at lunch time when I was supposed to be a monitor on the steps of the school to make sure no one was walking too fast and might be hurt. I ran back to the school as fast as I could once I saw her car but could not get there first. She was waiting for me at the gate....took me to the principals office and was disgusted because when the principal saw my tears she said that was enough discipline and sent me to class...... My mothers answer was to find a small Christian school, Culter Academy, and move us all there. I didn't mind.
This was a school started by a missionary, Mabel Culter, who had worked for years in Korea. It was a very academic and I loved it there. I'm not sure how my siblings felt with the move.... Two recurring events were a chapel time and Bible class. I had already had a lot of teaching in Sunday School at the 1st Presbyterian Church of Hollywood and had memorized many verses from the Bible. I loved it when the missionaries would come and talk about their lives overseas and the people they worked with. I do remember when the speaker would sometimes offer a time for any of us to come forward to either accept Jesus as our Savior or renew our relationship with Him, I would go forward over and over.......just to make sure I was saved.
Why do I tell you this? I don't believe this was just childish behavior......I believe that even as a young child I had a heart that yearned to follow Christ. I really did want to be made right and holy before Him and to have a relationship......but then the day to day living got in the way and I would know that my attitude was so wrong and so I would go again and 'renew my relationship'. So I believe that even as a child, I was in process....but it would take many years and continues even now...the process of being stripped down with nothing left but myself....to be empty to be ready to be refilled with Him.
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