My goal for this blog is to be a reflection of past experiences that are called to mind by the reading of the day by Oswald Chambers. So today I read and re read the devotional and the last paragraph kept calling me to my current life in Soyo, Angola.......... It says, "Do I know Him where I am today? If not, I am failing Him. I am not here for self-realization, but to know Jesus Christ. In Christian work our initiative and motivation are too often simply the result of realizing that there is work to be done and that we must do it". This should not be my focus....the work... "The aim is to achieve the realization of Jesus Christ in every set of circumstances".
I am learning that no matter how wonderful the dream or idea.....no matter how much I feel it is the right thing for the time.....that is never to be the point.....but rather to see what God has for this set of circumstances......and lets face it.....He doesn't need me to make a difference in this world.....humbling but absolutely true.
When Bryan and I returned from Thailand in 2004, I needed to find a job while he looked for work. We had one child in college and this would not allow both of us to be unemployed for an extended period. Now we had lived in Thailand from 1991 until mid 2004 and I had not worked as a nurse during those 13 years. To come back to the USA and need to find a job was daunting. Just the returning so unexpectedly was causing its own set of issues to deal with and then I had to find work.
As we were preparing to leave Thailand I remember Lorna McGowan, our pastors wife, asking me what I would plan to do as a job. I flippantly said, I think I'll work in Hospice. After all, the patients are already at end of life so I can't really do anything to hurt them...... This caused us to chuckle but really I was very concerned that I did not have a skill set that was any longer worth while in the medical field.
When we first arrived back I looked for jobs in Adult Day Health Care agencies. The first job I got was with a Korean group. They wanted me to run a clinic at the day care, check blood sugars and blood pressures.....nothing too complicated.....and to prepare the forms for medicare reimbursement. This required a proficiency in English. I took the job and it allowed me to begin to feel confident that I was able to work safely. After 2 months, the manager came to me and told me he had found a Korean speaking nurse to come and work for them and would have to let me go. I must say, this is the first time in my career that I was fired......and I know that I could have fought this because they knew I didn't speak Korean when they hired me......but I had been praying for God to show me exactly where He wanted me to work.....and so I took this as His guidance and left.
I looked at the jobs available and found two....one at a local hospice as a case manager and another at a Chinese adult day healthcare agency. I took the second.....and the job was the same except it was not full time......I know that I was really fighting the idea of following through with the hospice job.....afraid I would not be competent. Finally after about 2 more months, I was getting only 8-10 hours a week and I knew I had to leave. I went to the hospice and asked if I could interview.....they said yes.....
Citrus Valley Hospice, is located in Covina, CA and is attached to a group of hospitals. I brought in my resume and met with the director. She interviewed me and asked me when I could start. I was so surprised......she told me that I would have to go through a significant time of mentoring and skills review but she believed that I would be a great asset to their company. I was so surprised and so happy. I worked for this hospice for one year......and then we moved to northern California where Bryan's job took us.
In the bay area I looked at several hospice agencies. I had heard of Hope Hospice....but they weren't hiring. I applied at Pathways but they suggested that since I lived in the east bay and they worked more near the coast, I should look elsewhere. Then one of Bryan's coworkers told him about a hospice that was hiring in Pleasant Hill, Hospice and Palliative Care of Contra Costa. I applied there and was accepted.....and even considered a really experienced hospice nurse. I reminded them I had only had one year of experience......I was hired to work on the Skilled Nursing Facility team. This would mean that I would go to nursing homes and boarding facilities to care for the dying patients. I told them I would really like to work with the lower socio-economic families like I had in the Los Angeles area.
I had to wait for 3 weeks, I believe, for the next orientation class to start and by that time, surprise surprise, there was an opening on Team 2, the exact team I longed to work with.....For the next 5 1/2 years I worked at this agency.....and I loved it. I must say, it is the best job I have ever had in the USA. I loved the families, patients, challenges and of course, endless stories to share about how people overcome no matter what the circumstances. I also had the best manager, Faye Higashi.
Then in 2008, an opportunity came to go to Angola and meet with the church there to discuss the possibility of starting a hospice. Bryan recommended that I do this with another nurse and Faye agreed to go. Let me tell you, this was the trip of a life time. So much of my adult life had been spent in South East Asia and now Africa was available. We were so excited. We prepared for a number of presentations, got our shots and left two weeks before Thanksgiving.
We arrived in Cabinda, Angola, after a 26 hour total flight and layovers on the way. We immediately were taken to a meeting with the church officials to meet and greet and discuss the agenda for the two weeks we would be there. We knew that we were going to speak many times to different community groups about what hospice is, what they saw as their needs, and how we would like to come and help......but the church also had the plan..... for us to preach at each venue. I'll never forget the shocked look on Faye's face and I'm sure mine looked the same. We agreed that we could do a short devotional and this was accepted.
Over the next two weeks we traveled all over the Cabinda province talking to doctors, pastors, nurses and other medical staff, visiting the clinics, and the provincial hospital. We even had a morning when we were interviewed on the local radio station about the program plans. The time was busy and so enjoyable. Everyone we met agreed that this was a great plan......to come back and start a hospice and palliative care program. The head doctor at the provincial hospital even said, "We have been knocking at the door of the ministry of health asking for help with the dying and here you come with this plan". We were so amazed that the church even had a huge building on the church grounds that we could use as an inpatient building. It was large enough to house at least 80 patients and have an isolation ward too. The building needed to be renovated but volunteers were ready and willing from Chevron. It all seemed perfect.
Our last stop was to go meet with the Ministry of Health in Luanda, the capital. The day before we left the country we had the meeting and I fully expected the man to say something like, this is a good idea and I agree in principle but will have to get back to you......but he didn't. He said, "You will need to buy your own medications for the project but all the medications you will need are here in Angola". "Yes, we would fully support this project". It was beyond anything we had expected.
After we returned to the USA and our jobs....we waited and waited for months and months.....no funding came and so we could not go......and this is where I begin to understand what Oswald Chambers is talking about...." In Christian work our initiative and motivation are too often simply the result of realizing that there is work to be done and that we must do it". and so as I became more and frustrated because the need was there.....and everyone we had spoken to was so positive and looking forward to this......and yet nothing was happening. We returned to California just before Thanksgiving, 2008 and I left to move to Soyo, February 2011.....and nothing had come of the project.......nothing.......I'm not even sure anyone ever read the proposal......
One day when I was feeling great despair over the waiting... one of the nurses, Elizabeth Laidende, with whom I had worked previously, returned to the office and we met with her.....I shared the vision with her and all that had happened while in Cabinda.....and she sat and patiently listened......and then said, "Don't you know that God is not going to do anything there unless it is clear that He is the one making it happen.....that all the glory will go not to anyone person or organization but only to Him?"..... I realized I had been putting my trust in an organization to fund this program.....and then we would do something significant....for God and the Angolan people......but it was about me.....first.....
So jump to 2011.....we had not planned to live in Soyo......in fact, Bryan had not even applied for a job here.....and yet this was his next assignment......and I became pretty excited.....the job is still in Angola.....and this time it is a resident assignment so both of us would live here.....there still is the need....still has no hospice or palliative care program here in this country......so perhaps this is where I was to come to start this..... So I met with the woman who manages all the community outreach programs.....met with the doctor at the provincial hospital......and nothing......no interest.....no vision for this......and so I must think......and I remember that as Oswald Chamber says, "The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and He will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do". So I find that I must come back to this realization daily that it isn't about the need......or doing the work for God.....not trying to have Him be a part of what I'm doing today but rather it is about being focused on what God is doing today and being a part of that...........
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