I have worked for a number of years in the area of hospice and palliative care. This was caring for people in their homes at the end of their lives. This means working with the families to meet the patients needs as well as family needs. This is a difficult time for the entire family. There are times when families that were splintered come back together for the sake of their loved one and make things work together for the good of the patient. In other families, all the emotions while seeing the decline of their loved one produces so much stress that it sometimes causes the family to splinter.
I am currently watching Kathy and Glenn Mitchell and their family as they care for Grandmother. When Bryan, Kathy and Helen, Bryan's youngest sister, were very young, their mother died. Bryan was only 12 and he was the eldest of this family group. The family was having great difficulty with the loss and this caused their father to drink even more than he did before. A school teacher, Ms Anita Bingham was the teacher for Kathy. She took an interest in the family and tried to help them with the loss. Over time she became the legal guardian for Kathy. The kids didn't want to call her Ms. Bingham because she was more involved in the family than that title would suggest......so they called her Grandmother and this stuck.....
Grandmother is now older and having health issues. She can no longer live alone and has needed to be moved to an assisted living. This stress along with other stresses on this family could pull them apart but instead it is drawing them closer together as they care for her and each other. This is how we should be.....helping and supporting one other.
When my father died it was very sudden. He went in for surgery and died shortly afterwards. There was no warning and no way to prepare for the loss. All six of us kids reached out to each other and supported our mom and one another. It was a good time for family unity and appreciation.
Several years later our mother fell and broke her hip. She had been declining for years but this made it impossible for her to continue to live in her home and be alone for many hours at a time. There were many decisions that needed to be made about her care, the family home, and the estate. Instead of this drawing us together as we had been with our father.......supporting and encouraging each other, we had a huge rift that occurred......and I must say I was an active participant is stirring up anger toward those making the decisions. It became so horrible that one day my son, Justin, came to me and expressed his anguish at what was happening. I remember him reminding me that we had worked hard over the years to keep the kids close with their aunts, uncles and cousins. This had required us to travel back to the USA every summer so they could reconnect and have time with them and their grandparents. Now, he said, "You are destroying this....we cannot hardly look at each other anymore and you need to stop this". Each family unit was protecting their own....and pulling away from the others......and "we don't want this". I felt convicted and ashamed......
I believe this is what Oswald Chambers is writing about......"Jesus said, “If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). He is saying, in essence, “Don’t say another word to me; first be obedient by making things right.” The teachings of Jesus hit us where we live. We cannot stand as impostors before Him for even one second."
I was dividing and destroying my own family. Were others involved too? This doesn't matter....it never does.....I am only responsible for me.....my behavior and attitudes. Oswald Chambers continues....."When Jesus drives something home to you through His Word, don’t try to evade it. If you do, you will become a religious impostor. Examine the things you tend simply to shrug your shoulders about......"
Thankfully over the years since our mother's death although some scars remain...... we have grown together again as a family. I am thankful that my son had the courage and conviction to speak up and glaringly show me what I was doing......and that God is able to heal the fractures of our lives if we are willing to obey His leading.
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