The Story of the Nail.....Answered Prayer

http://utmost.org/the-purpose-of-prayer

I have already written some of the history of Hubert Mitchell.  Years ago I heard him tell the story of "The Nail".  Daniel, his son, also sent it to me and I want to share it in this posting.  It is a remarkable story of faith and God's faithfulness. 

The year was 1934 and for some years there had been a move of God's Spirit on the West Coast under the ministry of Amie Semple McPherson at Angelus Temple located in the Echo Park area of Los Angeles and the same was happening in the Mid West under the ministry of Paul Rader.

"I don't want to go there Lord, I am part of a great move of God here in Kansas. The Kubus are over in the middle of the jungle in a nowhere country and I am here and God is Blessing the ministry of Paul Rader and he has given  Helen and me an important part in the music ministry. The people enjoy Helen's lovely voice and the they also enjoy my accordion, piano playing and song leading and they say Helen and I make good music together. Anyway there are others who said they would go and that is good enough for me.  Yes Lord, I heard what R.A.Jaffrey said about the Kubu Tribes and that they need to hear the Gospel, but people here in America need to hear too and that is why I am here doing Your work Lord, you do understand don't you? And one more thing, I have a wife and a two year old son and what would people think of me taking them out to the wild jungle and maybe having some terrible disease come over them and they die....what would people think of me? Also, I hear there are wild animals out there too Lord, what do you think of that?"

Such was the battle that raged in the heart and spirit of  Hubert Mitchell. There was no letup and he could not free himself from those nagging words of R.A. Jaffrey of the Christian & Missionary Alliance Mission spoken some months previous at a missions conference...."Hubert, how can you tell the Gospel story over and over again to people who have heard it hundreds of times and yet there are thousands who have never heard it once.  Hubert, the Lord is calling you and He will not let you go." 

After a series of meetings and then traveling onto another meeting, they were passing through Arkansas Kansas when he spotted a small church off to the side of the road. Pulling in front he knew he had to get free once and for all. Hubert with Helen following opened the door and knocked on the door marked "office" and walking in asked to speak to the Pastor. After introducing themselves he asked the Pastor if he would pray for the two of them. After a brief explanation of his inner  struggle, the Pastor laid hands on them both and  prayed.  After the Pastor's  prayer, Hubert happened to glance up on the wall above the Pastor's desk and spied a plaque with a poem written on it. He got up to see it more clearly and saw that it was written by Annie Johnson Flint.  Intrigued with the words He asked the Pastor if he could take it down to look at it and then asked if there was a piano in the sanctuary. With the Pastor's permission, he sat down at the piano and started to play.

The words and notes seemed to blend into melody and harmony as Hubert's fingers spanned the piano keys and before he knew it, the Lord had given him the music to the words of a poem written by Annie Johnson Flint with the title.."He Giveth More Grace"  Turning on the piano stool to face his wife seated behind him, he queried..."Helen do you feel the same as I do? Are you willing to go to the Kubu Tribes in Indonesia?  The Lord has called us and we need to be obedient to His Call."  And so the battle had turned and in a relatively short span of time the three of them, Hubert, Helen and little David Mitchell set out by ocean steamer under the Christian & Missionary Alliance Mission and arrived in Sumatra Indonesia.

After settling his small family down to a regulated schedule, language study and getting used to this new culture was one of Hubert's first priorities. A rudimentary grasp of the Malay language came as he listened, enjoined  words and phrases with the local populace and soon he was speaking to small groups of Christians in their homes and churches.  On one occasion he went to one of the Dutch government officials and in some strange way received written permission to witness to the Malay Muslims. Unbeknownst to him this was against the law, but his witness was so effective the local Iman protested and the permission paper was revoked.  Because of this opposition, the door officially  opened for the ministry to the Kubus Tribes, an official Animist group. Along with Tobing his "Man Friday" and other Brothers, forayers into the thick jungles began. 

On one of those forayers just after sunrise, Hubert dropped over to the toko, (small shop) and took some canned sardines and dried fish from the shelf and some cans of Mandarin oranges for desert. After paying the owner and passing on some words of encouragement to him the group set out for the trail which would take them deeper into the jungle than they had gone before. This day was particularly hot and the humidity was oppressive and it seemed that not much headway was being made.  The saw grass seemed particularly tough as the group hacked their way through with their parangs (long knives)....when suddenly they come onto a clearing. The triple canopy tree growth gave no warning, but here it was!  The people who were around suddenly took off when they saw this white man, but Tobing persuaded the Chief who had a parang that he, Hubert had come from a long distance with a wonderful message called "Good News" for him and his people.

Taking a cue from Tobing, Hubert began to tell the story from the Gospels how Jesus Christ came into the world as a miracle baby, grew up like any man  and because of the miracles He did and the things He said, the religious rulers were jealous of him. They condemned him to die and nailed this man Jesus to a cross (salib). Hubert asked one of the Brothers to cut down a sapling and then with the same parang, cut it in two. Cutting down some rattan, thin jungle ratan vine, he tied the two pieces together forming a cross. As more people gathered around him and all this time telling the crucifixion story, he laid down on the cross and with his hands making  motions,  told the people surrounding him looking on with great interest that the soldiers nailed Jesus' hands and feet to the cross. As he went on with the story.... .

Suddenly from the middle of the crowd rang a question from the Chief..."what is a nail'? Taken aback Hubert lay there trying to explain what a nail (paku) was. As he talked, the people started to pull away from where he was lying. "Don't go, there must be a nail  somewhere around here" Hubert intoned.  Again the question came from the crowd but this time more pointed and insistent..."what is a nail?!" The more he tried, the more the crowd dispersed with muttering until finally no one was there except for some curious boys, Tobing and the Brothers and Hubert searched his pockets and nap sack and asked the others to do the same, but no nail.

Dejected and frustrated Hubert asked the men to prepare some rice for lunch and with a prayer and a plea for a miracle they sat down to eat rice and dried fish with some canned sardines.  As he slowly ate with a spoon, these thoughts flooded into his mind..."Oh Lord You brought me all this way from the US for this? What will Tobing and the Brothers think of me now? Lord what about all these people who are left hanging in the air?" After the meal and grabbing for his nap sack and at the same time reached in took out one of the cans of oranges for desert and pouring them onto his plate was ready to toss the can to a group of the small boys who were eying this strange white man eating....when he heard a rattle and opening the can further he looked inside and there on the bottom of the can was a nail!

Grasping the nail in his right hand and jumping to his feet at the same time Hubert ran yelling  out as loud as he could..."this is a nail!....this is a nail!  this is a nail! This is what they put into the hands of Jesus! He ran to the Chief's hut and up the notched log he literally bounded. meeting the Chief coming down. He grabbed the Chief's hand and pushed the point into his palm..."this is what a nail feels like and this is what they did to Jesus!"  He then grabbed the back of the Chief's hand and taking the nail scratched the dark skin. "Don't make my hand sick!" cried  the Chief. Calling everyone back to the center of the clearing the Chief asked Hubert to tell the crucifixion story again. As he retold the story how the agony and tragedy of the Father was such to see His only Son die and become SIN himself, for everyones sin. When suddenly the people started to weep with deep sobs and tears flowing down their cheeks creating little rivulets of moist skin. Tobing, Hubert and the Brothers came around and hugged the people in small groups and told them God loved them so much and how their sins could be forgiven and their hearts cleansed from their SINS. With the Chief leading,  Tobing led the people in a prayer of confession of SIN and repentance. They knew they were sinners, convicted by the power of the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ.  Hubert then went on with the story of the Lord Jesus' Resurrection from death and that He appeared to over 500 people to prove His Power and Heavenly Glory. The Assention was told and then the Command to go out to others with this message and make disciples of all nations...."and this is why I am here to tell you this story" Hubert went on.

Suddenly the Chief turned and up the notched log to his hut he ran and coming back with two large baskets in his hands he said to Hubert..."when you see Jesus give these to Him. They are my most precious possessions and I was going to sell them to Chinese traders for knives and things we could use, but I want to give these to Jesus." The baskets were filled with bear and tiger claws, animals  which he had killed in close encounters with a homemade spear. Hubert explained that Jesus was not here on earth, but in Heaven and now he, his Family and tribe would be there with Jesus one day.  "But I want to give something to Him!" said the Chief. "But you did" replied Hubert, "you just gave Him your heart and life and that is what Jesus Christ wants and not only that, He wants you to tell others what you have just heard.".......

Oswald Chambers writes,  "Ask, and you will receive . . .” (John 16:24). We complain before God, and sometimes we are apologetic or indifferent to Him, but we actually ask Him for very few things. Yet a child exhibits a magnificent boldness to ask! Our Lord said, “. . . unless you . . . become as little children . . .” (Matthew 18:3). Ask and God will do. Give Jesus Christ the opportunity and the room to work. The problem is that no one will ever do this until he is at his wits’ end. When a person is at his wits’ end, it no longer seems to be a cowardly thing to pray; in fact, it is the only way he can get in touch with the truth and the reality of God Himself. Be yourself before God and present Him with your problems— the very things that have brought you to your wits’ end."  This story from Hubert Mitchell's life is such a blessing....and excellent reminder to ask God for the things we need.....and expecting He will answer as we need!

Life Choices

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I am writing this blog for my children and grand children.....and I want to be honest and open about the journey God has taken me on to surrender to Him in all things.  Not all the stories I have to relate will show me in the best light.....if fact, it is the ugly things that show the transformation that has occurred over the years and continues each day.....and should be an encouragement to you as walk through your own lives.....falling down over and over isn't the issue.....it's the getting back up, learning, growing and submitting to God from each fall that develops you..

While I was in high school I had a boyfriend, Leigh Twa.  He was a kind young man and loved me dearly.  He was in the Navy and part of my infatuation with him was that he would go overseas for 6 months at a time and I could send him care packages and write long letters.  It fit so well into my romantic personality at that time.

Upon returning from one of his voyages he and several of his friends bought motorcycles.  They then went to Hell's Angels and got permission to start their own club.....'The Caretakers'.  By this time I was in college studying nursing and I loved it on the weekends when he and his friends would come and stay at my parents home and we would ride up and down the coast of California.  Leigh had a beautiful Harely Davidson bike that had been chopped and was very cool looking.  

Interestingly and not surprisingly being in this 'club' began to change the people we hung out with and where we spent our time.  Truthfully, the desire to ride with these guys was changing me because I needed to hide from my parents how I was living and where I would stay at times.  This was very difficult for me because I loved my parents very much but the thrill of the ride was enchanting at the time.  

One weekend we had travelled to San Deigo to hang out and ride.  Leigh was very protective of me and kept watch that I would be safe.  We slept in the garage of one of the members and after breakfast, road to a bar around noon.  When we went into the bar, some of the guys began knocking over tables and intimidating the patrons.  It was like something you would see in a movie.  I went outside and Leigh came with me.  Shortly afterward several of the other members came out and we went to one of their farms in the area.  Everyone began to gravitate to the barn to 'get loaded'.  I sat by the bikes to wait and began reflecting on how I was living......  I liked the time of riding down the roads and having people look at us and seem to notice us.....but this weekend I was sleeping in a garage on the floor and we had just left a bar at noon where the intent had been to intimidate and frighten the people there....and I thought.....What am I doing?  Where is this going to lead?  Why am I seeking such a dangerous lifestyle?  I felt this incredible sense of shame at what was happening in the bar and in the direction of my life.

I remember that my mother used to tell me that in each situation I question whether I should be there, I should ask myself......as a Christian.....is Jesus glad to be with me here?  Am I making Him proud of my choices?  Definitely, the answer that day was......No!!!!

When it was noticed that I was not in the barn with the others, Leigh came to find me.  He was rather disgusted at my not joining in......Since I had ridden to San Deigo with him, I asked him to take me to the bus and I could go home......he wouldn't allow that and took me back to Los Angeles himself.  I never wanted to come to San Deigo and ride with these men again.....in fact, this event caused me such disgust at the direction of my life, it changed the relationship with Leigh and began the decline that eventually ended our relationship.....  

Oswald Chambers writes, "....I indeed am at the end, and I cannot do anything more— but He (God) begins right there— He does the things that no one else can ever do. Am I prepared for His coming? Jesus cannot come and do His work in me as long as there is anything blocking the way, whether it is something good or bad. When He comes to me, am I prepared for Him to drag every wrong thing I have ever done into the light? That is exactly where He comes. Wherever I know I am unclean is where He will put His feet and stand.....Repentance does not cause a sense of sin— it causes a sense of inexpressible unworthiness."

This focus on my behavior was one of the things that caused me to begin looking to where I could serve the Lord....and be away from these influences and the disgusting life I was living at that time.....and although my journey to Vietnam was not wholly to serve Him, it was a factor in my decision....and definitely was going to be a place where God changed me in many ways to be open to His leading.....

Dear children and grand children when you find yourselves in a situation you are needing to hide from your parents.....and you think that you may be able to fool them....this will be true sometimes....but God sees all....and He is the one it is most important to honor with your life.....Remember, everywhere you go and in all you do, you take Jesus with you......so is He proud of what you are choosing?

Hubert Mitchell, Man of Prayer

http://utmost.org/prayer—-battle-in-the-secret-place

As soon as I read this devotional from Oswald Chambers I immediately thought of one person.  Since reflecting on it longer I think of more but I want to just write a little about the amazing man who impacted my life because of his prayer life.  I'm speaking of Hubert Mitchell.

Hubert has a wonderful history of serving the Lord with all his heart. Through his son, Daniel, I have part of Hubert's history to share with you.

Hubert was born in 1907.  He married Helen Pomeroy in the 1930's.  They met in Bible school.  They worked together for Paul Rader, an evangelist in the Midwest.  Hubert was the music director, played the accordion and piano and led the music.  He and Helen sang duets together and Helen, solos.  

In 1934, Hubert and Helen made the decision to go to Indonesia as missionaries to the Kubu Tribe of south Sumatra.  It as also at this time of decision that Hubert saw words on a pastor's wall plaque and wrote the hymn, "He Giveth More Grace".

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase,
To added affliction He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men,
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half-done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/nt/723#ixzz1W1wVwCgu

  In 1940 Helen died three days after giving birth to Jean.  This left Hubert with 4 children in a very remote area of Indonesia.  Daniel says that the words to this hymn gave great comfort to Hubert during those days.

In 1942, Hubert heard from his brother in law, David Morken, that Pearl Harbor had been attacked.  This was followed with the news that the Japanese Imperial Army was marching down the Malayan Archipelago.  R.A. Jaffery, the head of the Missionary Alliance Mission left the decision whether to leave to be made by each missionary serving there.  Hubert with the children and a group of other missionaries decided to evacuate....reluctantly.

From 1942-1944 Hubert ministered as Chaplain with the Victory Service Club connected with the Union Rescue Mission.  He started Saturday Night Jubilee at Church of the Open Door.....a future Youth for Christ group.  He remarried to Rachel in 1944.

1946 he left Saturday Night Jubilee with David Morken and others and moved to Karwi, India where Rachel had lived for 20 years.  Here he started India Youth For Christ and worked with that until 1951. He worked at the head office of Youth For Christ in Wheaton, Illinois from 1952-1954 and then left to start Inter-Church Ministries in Chicago with Bible Studies and early morning prayer groups in business offices in Chicago's Loop and other places.

Finally in 1965, Hubert moved to Los Angeles again to help his mother who was running a sending mission organization, Go Ye Fellowship.  This you will remember is the mission organization that sent me first to Vietnam in 1971.  Hubert continued his life of reaching out to people for the Lord and started an organization that was renamed, Christians in Government, in Los Angeles and worked with this group from 1971-1992.   Hubert died in 1995 and went home to be with the Lord.

As I write an abbreviated history of Hubert's life I marvel that God had our lives intersect.  I am sure Hubert prayed about my going to Vietnam and prayed for me while I was there.  When Bryan and I were married in 1976, Hubert was the pastor that we asked to officiate for that event.  I remember when he told the homily he really got into the story of my leaving Vietnam, "with one baby under each arm"....artistic license....but delightful....  We had the privilege of hearing him sing his song, "He Giveth More Grace" at the Bible study in my parent's home on more than one occasion....and I was unaware of how this hymn had lifted him in the dark days of his life following the Lord.

When Bryan and I were first going out to work with World Vision in Indonesia, we met with Hubert at his home and he prayed for us and sent us with his blessing.  It was there that I learned about his prayer closet...where he and Rachel would go at different times during the day and pray for those God laid on their hearts.  It was such an encouragement to know that as we left together for life in a new place, they were not going to forget us and pray for us to remain where God wanted.... doing what He had planned for us.....  

Oswald Chambers writes, "Having a secret stillness before God means deliberately shutting the door on our emotions and remembering Him. God is in secret, and He sees us from “the secret place”— He does not see us as other people do, or as we see ourselves. When we truly live in “the secret place,” it becomes impossible for us to doubt God. We become more sure of Him than of anyone or anything else."   This is how Hubert Mitchell walked with the Lord and because of this, he has left a lasting legacy in many places around the world.....that bring glory to God even today. What joy there is in the lives of many because he trusted God and went wherever he was sent.

Living Devotion to God

http://utmost.org/are-you-discouraged-or-devoted

This entry by Oswald Chambers is very difficult to read.  It makes me stop and think......when are the times I have heard something very hard from God and ignored it......or diminished it.....and made it less than the starkness of His demand for total surrender to Him.....with the giving up of everything else that I would place before Him in my life.  Then there is the reminder that Jesus never cajoled anyone to come to follow Him....He never made the narrowness of the path to righteousness easy to follow.....in fact, He continually warned that things would be rough.....and only a few will really walk His way......and today this reading is such a reminder of what He meant.

I have had friends that have questioned, "How can God be a loving God and ask Abraham to sacrifice his son?"  This is a question that is genuinely being asked because from my standpoint as a parent, it is something that is absolutely abhorrent to even think about.  Sacrificing my child for anyone.  

When our children were born we took each one to our pastor and had them dedicated to the Lord.  What this meant to us was that we were recognizing that God had blessed us with the beautiful baby to care for and raise.......and we wanted to recognize outwardly that we were giving the baby back to God......  We would do our best with our children to teach and mentor them but we realized they were a temporary gift.......on loan from God... and their lives were His......

When we took Jeremy, our first born, in and the pastor asked if we realized the fact that our children were on loan only but belonged to God to do with as He saw fit......we answered, yes.....and then he asked us to tell God that we were giving our child back to Him at this moment....trusting Him with the life of our baby.  I have to say that I paused....it was not easy.....we loved Jeremy so much and the idea that maybe God might actually take him from us......  We were stating right then that it was our sacrifice of love and trust in God who had given us this baby to give him back.....it was so hard.....but the truth is that we have no control over many things that come into our children's lives and God does.....so why am I thinking I can somehow hold any of our children and protect them better then their heavenly Father?  We repeated this dedication with each of our three children and it was never something we did lightly because we loved each of them so much....

Oswald Chambers in writing about the rich young ruler says, "."Jesus did not show the least concern that this rich young ruler should do what He told him, nor did Jesus make any attempt to keep this man with Him. He simply said to him, “Sell all that you have . . . and come, follow Me.” Our Lord never pleaded with him; He never tried to lure him— He simply spoke the strictest words that human ears have ever heard, and then left him alone....And Jesus did not go after him, but let him go. Our Lord knows perfectly well that once His word is truly heard, it will bear fruit sooner or later."  The rich young ruler needed to give up everything and follow Jesus....his valued possession was riches.....ours is the love for our children.  Finally he ends this reading with these words that are so encouraging and so gentle, "I wonder what we will say when we finally make up our minds to be devoted to Him on that particular point? One thing is certain— He will never throw our past failures back in our faces."

Resting in God

http://utmost.org/the-theology-of-resting-in-God

Our family moved to Thailand as residents in 1992.  We expected to be there for about 5 years and then would move to another place with World Vision.  After Jeremy's accident in 1993 we knew that we did not want to move until the children had graduated from the International School in Bangkok.  Jeremy had such wonderful support at the school, Justin was two years behind Jeremy and had been there since 5th grade and Amanda was further behind but had been at the school since 2nd grade.  It was a great surprise when we were told that since Bryan had completed his job of setting up Indochina (Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos) and Myanmar (Burma) with field directors that were now autonomous....we were going to be moved to Africa.  Jeremy still needed the supports that were so readily available at the school in Bangkok and we believed that we needed to stay there.  Therefore, Bryan resigned from World Vision after nearly 19 1/2 years.   

This was a difficult separation for me.  Throughout the time we had been in the USA with Jeremy in rehabilitation I had received a phone call daily from Sheryl Watkins to encourage us.  To me World Vision was like a family and the loss of that was very difficult.  But moving from Bangkok before the children finished school was unacceptable.  

Bryan worked for some time with an import company selling furniture.....then the economy crashed and this company withdrew from Thailand.  Finally Bryan was hired by Unocal.....an oil company as their director of Organization Development.  It was a wonderful job for him and he loved working there with all the staff.  

Now through each of those changes although I had felt great anxiety, I also felt such confidence that God would work things out for us to care of our children and provide for them....most of the time.  

A new director had come to Unocal and within a short time the department of Organization Development was to be closed.  Bryan was called in and told that his services would no longer be needed.  By this time Jeremy had finished school and Justin was nearing the end of his college education.  Amanda was just starting college and finding the adjustment to the USA a difficult one.  She had lived in Thailand for 10 years and returning to her passport country and going to school with all strangers was an adjustment.....it had been for each of the children but it was quite difficult for her....   Oswald Chambers writes, "When we are afraid, the least we can do is pray to God. But our Lord has a right to expect that those who name His name have an underlying confidence in Him.  God expects His children to be so confident in Him that in any crisis they are the ones who are reliable."

We stayed in Thailand for several months seeing if there was a new job for Bryan.  It seemed to make sense since he speaks several South East Asian languages.  But God had other plans.....so on July 4, 2004, we returned to the USA....with no job.....  A very scary place to be.  Usually the children move back home with their parents but in our case, we moved in with the kids and Bryan began the long process of job hunting and I returned to the workforce.  

While we were living in Bangkok.....we were very active in our church.....Chaengwattana Community Church.  Because the community was so small, everyone knew the changes we were facing.  Several of the women came to me to encourage me.....and I keep in my Bible a note from one of the Japanese ladies to whom I was teaching English.....encouraging me to keep my eyes focused on God during this time.  Bryan and I were on the worship team at Church and so each week we would stand up in front and sing songs about trusting God during difficult times, songs about God molding us into the people that He wants us to be....and this was difficult occasionally for me but mostly was encouraging to remember how faithful God had been throughout the years.  Singing praise has always raised my spirits.  

As the months went on and the job for Bryan seemed allusive, we would both feel this great building of increased tension.  Oswald Chambers continues, "Yet our trust is only in God up to a certain point, then we turn back to the elementary panic-stricken prayers of those people who do not even know God. We come to our wits’ end, showing that we don’t have even the slightest amount of confidence in Him or in His sovereign control of the world. To us He seems to be asleep, and we can see nothing but giant, breaking waves on the sea ahead of us." It is during these times of extended waiting that we can see how much we have grown in our faith and trust in God.  "But it is when a crisis arises that we instantly reveal upon whom we rely. If we have been learning to worship God and to place our trust in Him, the crisis will reveal that we can go to the point of breaking, yet without breaking our confidence in Him."

Bryan was offered a job with Chevron.  It was very different from the one he had been hired for with Unocal but a good job using his education and skills.  This meant we needed to move from Los Angeles and being close to the children to northern California.  I was surprised at how easy this transition was.....not because Bryan had a job but because we knew that God was going before us and preparing the way.  Oswald Chambers writes, "It (becoming more like Him) will be expressed in our lives as a peaceful resting in God, which means a total oneness with Him." 

Who's Purpose Am I Serving?

http://utmost.org/the-brave-friendship-of-God

Bryan and I moved from Malang, East Java, Indonesia, to the capital, Jakarta in December 1978.  We moved into a lovely home but it was way out of town in a place called, Kabayoran Lama....translated old Kabayoran and we had only one car that Bryan drove each day to work.  I had a driver come if I needed to go anywhere but most of the time I stayed home.....I was also six months pregnant with our first child, Jeremy.

On New Years Eve Bryan took me to the Marriott Hotel for dinner.  While we were there we saw a family come in for dinner also.  Now the unusual thing about this family was when the wife, Lorraine, walked in....she had obviously had a stroke with residual loss of function of her right hand and right leg.  The family was happy and enjoying the time out.  The kids were young and no one showed any unusual concern about how Lorraine was going to eat her meal.  It was clear that this was not a new situation for her.  I continued to watch as they ordered their food and heard the husband say quietly, "Please cut her meat in the kitchen".  That was the only adaptation made.  It was warming to watch this sweet family enjoying time together in their normalcy of life.  The next Sunday we went to church and who should walk in but this same family, smiling and happy to be there.  

After we had settled into our home, I joined the ladies weekly Bible study and who was there?  Lorraine.  I couldn't help  and I it so went to her and introduced myself and told her I had seen her at several venues and was happy to meet her.  I think she was startled and perhaps thought I was a stalker of some sort....but in the 70's this wasn't a huge issue.....stalking....  We chatted and she was so excited when she found that Bryan worked for World Vision International.  They as a family, sponsored several children around the world.  We became good friends and she helped in ways you wouldn't imagine after Jeremy was born....but that is another story.

Because of her friendship and welcoming nature, I became involved in the ladies group and this led to the story today.....Oswald Chambers writes, "Oh, the bravery of God in trusting us! .....As long as you think that you are of value to Him He cannot choose you, because you have purposes of your own to serve. But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him “to Jerusalem” (Luke 18:31). And that will mean the fulfilment of purposes which He does not discuss with you."  I encourage you to read Luke 18:31 because this is when Jesus tells the disciples again that His purpose is to die and then rise again.....so to extrapolate from that to me.....the fulfilment of His purpose must mean that I die to my goals, purposes and plans and am raised again to His purposes.....and that likely I will know that I am not going to be comfortable with this.

For several years I worked with the pastors wives and we wrote Bible Studies for the women's group.  I came to know the ladies quite well and one day Caroline Robertson, a delightful British woman, came to me and asked if I would be willing to be on the committee working with the Christian Women's Club.  They were needing new people on this committee due to some moving away.  I thought since Caroline was so talented with administration and well spoken, she would be the new chairwoman and I would just have some minor role to begin with so I said yes.  When we met my name was put forth by Caroline as Chairwoman and I was voted into the position.  

Now you need to understand....Christian Women's Club was very well received across the church groups in Jakarta as well as the ladies that did not go to church.  The meeting was held at the Hilton Hotel Grand Ballroom and went like this.......meet and greet and have something to eat, call the women together....have some secular music, a program of interest in the community like a fashion show, wildlife talk or special visitor to perform......then religious music and a speaker with a focus on God after which the ladies would leave.  This would take about 3 hours and we met once a month.  The idea of getting up in front of 300 ladies at this venue was daunting and I was terrified.  I was also pregnant with my second son, Justin, at the time and tried to use that as a reason I should not be in front.  I'm sure that those of you reading this now......if you knew me.....would find this anxiety surprising......but at that time, it was really terrifying.  Before the first meeting I was to be in front we had time to pray and then were to go out to the stage......and I had to excuse myself and go to throw up in the bathroom.  This added to my anxiety.....what if I got sick on the stage???

Oswald Chambers continues, "We tend to say that because a person has natural ability, he will make a good Christian (leader). It is not a matter of our equipment, but a matter of our poverty; not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a matter of natural virtues, of strength of character, of knowledge, or of experience— all of that is of no avail in this concern. The only thing of value is being taken into the compelling purpose of God and being made His friends (see 1 Corinthians 1:26-31)."  I had written the order of the meeting on 3x5 cards with color coding....but somehow I shuffled the cards so I started with the cultural event and then went straight to the speaker who had a very touching story to tell.....during her speech I saw that I had forgotten the first music....a Broadway musical number....and so after this woman spoke and the room was hushed, I invited the singer to come and she did a really fast humorous song......I closed in prayer and she sang her religious song at the end. It was really sad because many of the women had been touched by the speaker but this was lost in the mix up of the music.  "As Christians we are not here for our own purpose at all— we are here for the purpose of God, and the two are not the same. We do not know what God’s compelling purpose is, but whatever happens, we must maintain our relationship with Him."

The committee met the next week and first on the agenda was what had happened at the community meeting.  I was well aware of the mess I had made of things.....they were aware of my throwing up in the bathroom prior to going onto the stage.....so I did what I believed was the best thing and I resigned.....  I do believe this surprised the ladies but since none of them wanted the postion, my resignation was not accepted.  I say this with tongue in cheek that it was only they didn't want to be the chairwoman.  Looking back at this, I see the hand of God on me....preparing me for other times of leadership.....making me well aware of the areas of inability and weakness....and causing me to draw more on Him during these times.  

Many years later in Bangkok I felt it was time for some other woman to become the head of the Encouraging Women's Group of about 70 ladies that met weekly for Bible study and socialization.  I had been in the position for a long time so with prayer and discussion with the other ladies, we asked Peggy Greer to take the position.  I saw the fear in her eyes and the anxiety that was there for several months as she headed up this group that so reminded me of my start in Jakarta.  It wasn't long before Peggy left Bangkok and moved to Singapore where she started another group to gather women together for Bible study and encouragement.  Oswald Chambers writes, "The most important aspect of Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the surrounding influence and qualities produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to give our attention to, and it is the one thing that is continually under attack."

Set Aside

http://utmost.org/the-compelling-purpose-of-God

Nearly everyday I pause and think about what my purpose is.  There there have been times when this seemed very easy to identify.....and it was usually surrounding whatever job I had at that moment.  I frequently find my goals and personal worth are tied closely to what I am to be doing......and it must be something of value.

There were years when I lived in Thailand and several of the ladies and I would get together and talk about...if only I had a job....a salary to call my own.....then I would be happy because I would be able to see my worth in the increase in responsibility and salary that would go with it.....  Now you need to remember that when living as an expatriate generally there are such benefits as a driver, house help, possible cook, built in childcare....and so on.....so to think that I would only be REALLY happy if I was also employed....it is ridiculous......  Furthermore, when looking at this reading today.....what I am doing or what makes me happy isn't the point at all.....but I am just saying....this is what I spend time thinking about in relation to where I am right now.  Oswald Chambers writes, "In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own. We talk so much today about our decisions for Christ, our determination to be Christians, and our decisions for this and that, but in the New Testament the only aspect that is brought out is the compelling purpose of God."  


So what about those years in Indonesia, the Philippines, Thailand and now in Angola?   Oswald Chambers continues, "We are not taken into a conscious agreement with God’s purpose— we are taken into God’s purpose with no awareness of it at all. We have no idea what God’s goal may be; as we continue, His purpose becomes even more and more vague."  These words I can identify with well here in Soyo.  I realize I continue to come back to what is happening right now....the delay and perhaps loss of the hope of working here with those at end of life.....to find a real purpose for being here.....  I have already spent more than two years with the hope, in prayer, in searching to see a way of doing something of value here.....for God and the people that need the assistance.....and apparently....at this time.....this is not what I should be focusing on.....so I try not to and to be patient and wait for God to reveal to me what He wants....but the purpose.....as Oswald Chambers says, becomes more and more vague....

Oswald Chambers continues, ".....we have our own ideas as to what God’s purpose is. We say, “God means for me to go over there,” and, “God has called me to do this special work.” We do what we think is right, and yet the compelling purpose of God remains upon us. The work we do is of no account when compared with the compelling purpose of God. It is simply the scaffolding surrounding His work and His plan."  So today.....here in Soyo......housebound with a cast on my leg for at least six more days.....what is my purpose?  What is His reason for bringing Bryan and me here?

Remember, Bryan did not apply for a job here in Angola.....he applied for one in Kazakhstan, Bangladesh, Australia and Texas.....but he was offered a job here in Soyo, Angola.....  To make it even more obvious that we were being sent here, Bryan was on a flight and could not be reached to confirm that he would accept this job....so it was accepted for him and his name was taken out of the other job possibilities......so we accept that this is where we are to be.....and the work is simply the scaffolding surrounding God's work and plan......and for Bryan, I can understand this thought.....and I am also aware that there is no wasted time in the kingdom of God.....  Clearly we have both been 'taken aside' at this time......and this is exactly what Oswald Chambers is talking about...."God takes us aside all the time."  I know that I desire to do what the Father sets in front of me to do.....even if it is waiting expectantly for His purpose to be revealed and in the mean time, continue writing and reflecting on what He has accomplished in the past.....even when I wasn't looking.....

Facing Adversity.....

http://utmost.org/the-teaching-of-adversity

Oswald Chambers begins this writing with this statement, "The typical view of the Christian life is that it means being delivered from all adversity. But it actually means being delivered in adversity, which is something very different."  I have written before of my own thoughts that somehow as a Christian, I would be protected from difficulty.....adversity....and what a shock it is to find that this is not true.  I have also written about the family life changing accident of our eldest son.....and there was a year of difficulty and adversity for all of us.....and so I have more thoughts on this.....

Once Jeremy was released from ICU he was moved to the rehabilitation floor of Children's Hospital of San Diego.  This was in the old part of the hospital and we went from Jeremy in one bed alone with a nurse to care for him to his being placed in a bed with two other children in the room and their families visiting.  At first I really hated this.  I felt it was intrusive and wanted to be in a private room......neither our insurance nor the doctor would allow this.  Once Jeremy was on this wing he had to participate in rehabilitation therapy.  He would be taken out of bed, put in a wheel chair that had a head support because he couldn't hold his head up yet......and they rolled him to the rehab rooms.  

Physical Therapy started as soon as Jeremy was able to respond to verbal cues.....and it was painful to watch although I don't believe it was painful to Jeremy......  In those 17 days in ICU he had become so thin and weak......we didn't realize at the time that the blood clot in the back of his brain was affecting his sight.  The physical therapist, Amy, who worked mainly with him was a tiny girl but amazingly strong.  She would put him on a mat and have him lift his legs and arms.  

I mentioned that when Jeremy was first injured many people from around the world called to give support.  It was amazing but Jeremy's best friend, Stephen Sheldon, from the International School in Bangkok, Thailand, was visiting family in San Deigo.  When his father who was in Thailand heard about the accident he called his wife and son to come to visit at the hospital.  I remember that when we were leaving that evening.....the second day participating in rehab......I told Jeremy, Stephen is coming to visit you tomorrow.  Now at this time Jeremy knew his Dad, sister and brother's names but called me Fred......so I told him the news of Stephen but never expected he would remember the next day......  In the morning when I arrived I asked him if he remembered who was coming today.....and he smiled and said, "Stephen".  I was amazed.  We were walking Jeremy in the wheelchair that held up his head to rehab when Stephen arrived.  He came in the door and just stopped.  He couldn't believe this was Jeremy.....he had changed so much.  The therapist continued to roll the chair to rehab and I went to Stephen and told him he didn't have to stay.....this was very hard.......but he composed himself and followed me into the physical therapy rooms.  Both of these boys were entering 9th grade......so very young.  Stephen continued to come every day while he was in the area and get down on the mat with Jeremy to encourage him to work hard with the exercises.  The last day came and Stephen was leaving......he told Jeremy he would come to say good by but called that morning and said he just couldn't do it.  Leaving Jeremy was so difficult for him......I did my best to comfort him.....and reminded him that it was the first thing Jeremy remembered from one day to the next.....the day he first came.  I told Jeremy that Stephen was too sad to come and Jeremy said, "ok".  

Remembering this once again fills me with the great sadness of those days.  I begin to remember the isolation of that time.....the feelings of hopelessness as we struggled to make it through each day....just as Jeremy was struggling to be able to become independently functioning again.  The incredible difficulties Justin and Amanda had in their schools and these events changed them forever......  Oswald Chambers writes, "If you are a child of God, you will certainly encounter adversities, but Jesus says you should not be surprised when they come. 'In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.' He is saying, 'There is nothing for you to fear.'"  This does not seem to make sense in times like the ones in which we were living.  But I am here to tell you that it is true..  Life is full of difficulties.....some beyond comprehension as you go through them and a feeling at times that God has forgotten us.....but it just simply isn't true.  Oswald Chambers continues, "God does not give us overcoming life— He gives us life as we overcome. The strain of life is what builds our strength. If there is no strain, there will be no strength."  

Jeremy stayed as an inpatient for a total of 90 days.  At that time he was considered well enough to go home and continue his therapy as an outpatient.  This brought its own set of increased pressure.  Amanda and Justin were in their schools and trying to survive there....they would then come home to their brother that was someone they didn't know.....He had been the one who cared for everyone and now he needed to be cared for.  Bryan was commuting to Thailand and returning for about a week to ten days every six weeks.  I was just trying to make it through each day.....so not a life of obvious victory......

When it was finally time to leave the hospital and start the outpatient rehab, the nurse practitioner asked me to go to lunch with her because she wanted to ask me a question.....I thought it was to ask if I wanted a job to be an advocate for other families going through what we were.....I guess I always think it is about a job.....  Instead she asked me this question, "What makes you so different from the other mothers in rehab?"  I was surprised.  I asked her to clarify what she meant by being so different and she said I was going through all that every other mother was going through but had a peace and serenity about me......  I had to think....The only time that I spoke most clearly about my trusting in the Lord to get me and the family through this was in ICU.....and we told the nurses there....and then once when the speech pathologist, Cindy, shared how the healing would take place and what to expect next.  She said that a child that has had a sweet personality like Jeremy may become aggressive and swear and act in a sexual manner.....I told her that God would not allow that....He would keep Jeremy with the personality that He had given him.....Those were the only two times that it was overt speaking about my trust in God's faithfulness. I'm sure they saw us pray with Jeremy each night before we left the hospital too.  Anyway, all I could say to her is that I know that no matter how difficult things are, God is not just with me.....but He is holding me up and making a way for me to stand in His strength.  She just looked at me and we finished lunch.  I'm not sure what she had expected me to say.....but it was true.....I could not have made that year without the strength from God.....Oswald Chambers writes....God never gives us strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the moment. Our temptation is to face adversities from the standpoint of our own common sense. But a saint can “be of good cheer” even when seemingly defeated by adversities, because victory is absurdly impossible to everyone, except God."

Lessons from Indonesia

http://utmost.org/learning-about-His-ways

Over the past few days I have been reading Oswald Chambers and finding that I didn't have anything to say nor any story to tell.  I think it was the issues I have been facing here in Soyo, Angola, that were not allowing me to stop and really think....because as I read this daily devotion today I immediately am reminded of how the three facets of this learning apply to when Bryan and I first moved overseas as a married couple.  

I had lived in Vietnam for 3 1/2 years before being evacuated to Australia in 1975.  I had grown as a person and with the Lord during those years and then met Bryan at the refugee ships in Guam, an island in the Pacific Ocean.  The following year we were married and Bryan began working for World Vision International.   During the training we travelled to New Zealand, Australia, Indonesia and Thailand and Bryan had worked for about 3 months overall.  I was looking forward to being assigned to Thailand because we knew people there and it was an easy place to live.  

Bryan came home very excited to tell me that we had been assigned and even before he could say the country I knew it wasn't Thailand but to......Indonesia.  My reaction to this news was less than supportive and Bryan was so excited.....I cried and said I didn't know if I could do this.....After a time, Bryan said that he would tell them we couldn't take that assignment if that is what I wanted....He was the one being supportive to me and I felt ashamed.....we both needed to support each other.....but it was hard to leave and go to a place where things were limited and I would be the only person in the town without a job.....Oswald Chambers writes, "When you obeyed and left all the consequences to God, the Lord went into your city to teach, but as long as you were disobedient, you blocked His way."  All the learning that both Bryan and I gained there would have been lost if I had not been willing to go......

Here are the issues I was facing.......before we were married I had been the one hired.....for my skills and it was up to me to decide if I would take this position.....or not......and now we needed to make a joint decision and my skill set was not even in the consideration.....it was humbling and frustrating for me.  Secondly, I had lived for an extended period in Vietnam......lived with the missionaries and learned culture.....and the language...somewhat.....Bryan had lived for one year on a military base in Vietnam and spoke the language much better than I...he was actually fluent..... but certainly in that year could not have learned much culture.......I was sure.

When we began our time in Indonesia.....during the internship.....I was correcting Bryan's interactions....making him aware of all the cultural things I was noting.....and generally 'taking charge'.  It was ugly and disrespectful but I didn't see it until one night in Bali, Bryan took me aside and said..."This isn't going to work if you don't begin to show me some respect.  You have been overseas longer than I but you need to allow me to learn my way and not try to interfere with my learning."   I must admit, I was shocked.....I was just trying to help......and establish that I had something to offer too, I think.....  Oswald Chamber writes about this...."Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert."  God is teaching us in every aspect of our lives and does not need my help in what He wants someone to learn.......Sadly, my children can attest to the fact that I have not learned this lesson very well regarding the way I want to council them at times.....

The third aspect of this devotional is, " “Wait on the Lord” and He will work (Psalm 37:34). But don’t wait sulking spiritually and feeling sorry for yourself, just because you can’t see one inch in front of you!.....Waiting is not sitting with folded hands doing nothing, but it is learning to do what we are told".  When we arrived in Java, Indonesia, we received our resident visas which read.....for my reason to be in Indonesia.......'ikut swami'.....follow my husband......I had to laugh.....  An in your face recognition that life was going to be different.....and who I was did not really matter to the government.......but did to me.  We moved into the back house of the country director, Gene Daniels and his family in the little town of Batu, East Java.  We stayed there for several months and then moved to our own home in the town of Malang...about 20 minutes down the mountain and much nearer the office.  Bryan's job was Relief and Development Directior for all 17,508 islands that make up Indonesia.  Approximately 6000 of these islands are inhabited.  He began travelling to the 6 major ones and was gone between 50-70% of the time.....so I had more than enough time to learn language, read, listen to music and learn to be alone.  I took up needlework to fill my days and to have something to put on our walls.  It was enjoyable and rewarding.  I knew that I could not spend my days waiting for something to happen and so spent a lot of enjoyable time with our house helper who helped me with my language study.  Was it difficult at times?  Absolutely!......but I learned to love Indonesia and the people and the time Bryan and I had together was encouraging and supporting each other....Before long there were other foreign wives who moved to Malang and it became easier when Bryan was gone for extended periods.

After two years we moved to Jakarta, the capital and there were many other wives there that had no job either.  Because I had learned a significant amount of Indonesia, I was able to find a job with the American Women's Club Registry for House Helpers.  This was very important for me.....even though it was volunteer.....my language ability had value that was recognized.  

Both of our sons were born in Jakarta and we grew to love the country and people even more.  It was very difficult when we were moved back to the United States and it made me smile to remember my resistance to move there in the first place.....As I reflect back on my journey I am becoming aware of the seasons of my life....the times that are busy and the times of quiet.....and I am thankful I have had both.....and found contentment most of the time.  

The Discipline of Language Study

http://utmost.org/becoming-entirely-His

The first paragraph of this reading is not hard to understand.  "Many of us appear to be all right in general, but there are still some areas in which we are careless and lazy; it is not a matter of sin, but the remnants of our carnal life that tend to make us careless"...."We should have no carelessness about us either in the way we worship God, or even in the way we eat and drink."  Anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder knows that the issue is something you come back to over and over......because it is a daily need.....to eat....but also a daily struggle....not to over eat.  So I was thinking that this would be a straight forward reading today....but Oswald Chambers is rarely easy to understand or simple for me......

Many times in our marriage Bryan and I have needed to learn a new language because we lived in a new country.  For Bryan it is rather easy for him.....the language acquisition portion of his brain is wide open and he learns quickly.....for me it is a greater challenge.....perhaps because I lack discipline.....  First it was Vietnamese, then Jarai, then Indonesian....which, by the way, was the easiest and quite closely related to the Jarai language from the highlands of Vietnam.....and then we moved to the Philippines and I was fooled.....I thought that since I had learned some Spanish in High School, I would fly through Tagalog since it has obvious similarities....  Instead I learned that Tagalog is an incredibly difficult language.....with prefixes and suffixes to many words......and to add to the discipline difficulty, most everyone spoke English in Manila so the impetus to learn was diminished.....  Finally we lived in Thailand and I learned enough Thai to be able to get around in the market and hold a very basic conversation.....

When Bryan and I were in Indonesia, he had to speak at a dinner with many staff and he chose to speak in Indonesian rather than have a translator.  I was pregnant with our first child, Jeremy.  Bryan got up and began to say who he was and what his job was.  Then he introduced me as his wife and that I was a nurse.  Everyone started laughing almost hysterically and Bryan had no idea what he had said.  Finally someone told him that instead of using the word 'Perawat' which means nurse, he had used the word 'Perawan' which means virgin.  And as I stood to greet everyone with my pregnancy quite advanced, this brought down the house with laughter......

So why am I telling you this.....first it is an amusing story and a reminder that we have many times when we learn something new that we are like a child.....making many mistakes but usually being treated with amusement and kindness by those around us......and now we are in Soyo.....needing to learn Portuguese.....and finding the discipline of language study a chore that I have not been committed to.  And now I am in my home with a cast on my leg.....and have a young Angolan girl coming to help me with the household needs....and she doesn't speak English and after 7 months, I don't speak Portuguese and I know clearly that although this is a simple example of being brought back to the need for discipline in my life.....it is a lesson I struggle with over and over......and so I am now housebound with the cast and have a real need to be able to speak to this girl.....and so have started with the language tapes again.....Oswald Chamber writes, "God will bring us back in countless ways to the same point over and over again. And He never tires of bringing us back to that one point until we learn the lesson, because His purpose is to produce the finished product."

Disillusionment.....Vietnam

http://utmost.org/the-teaching-of-disillusionment

The reading today is about disillusionment.  Oswald Chambers states, "Disillusionment means having no more misconceptions, false impressions, and false judgments in life; it means being free from these deceptions.  However, though no longer deceived, our experience of disillusionment may actually leave us cynical and overly critical in our judgment of others.  But the disillusionment that comes from God brings us to the point where we see people as they really are, yet without any cynicism or any stinging and bitter criticism."

As I have pondered this reading for several days, there has been one story that comes back to my thinking.  This again is a story that took place in Vietnam.

While I was working at the Children's Hospital outside of Danang during one staff meeting Dr. Long brought to our attention that medications were disappearing from the Pharmacy.  First he wanted to make sure we were signing them out as we should......you see the nurses would go into the pharmacy during the hours when the Pharmacist was not at the hospital....and get the medications that were needed for either the outpatients or the inpatients.  Dr. Long said that he had been noticing a steady loss of antibiotics and thought perhaps the local staff was taking them for a clinic they might have in their home.  This was a normal outreach in the community by medically trained staff but it was not acceptable to take medications or supplies from the hospital for a private clinic.  During this meeting there was discussion as to which of the staff it was believed might be taking the medications and how to stop this.

A few days later, Dr. Long called each of the nurses and said that we would need to take one shift at the gate as the staff were leaving to check their bags.  I recall the great anger I felt with this plan and told him that I was hired as a nurse, not a guard......I also said that I believed that if we treated the staff as thieves, they would have a great change in attitude......because at that time, when I knew I was being watched for times of going and coming to my house or the hospital......I set about being as inconsistent as I could be to make sure I was considered even more unacceptable than I believed those watching thought I was......and I figured the local nurses were about my age and would react as I had.....

Since we nurses were not willing to check people's bags, Dr. Long had to take this duty onto himself.  Now several outcomes were seen.  First, several of the nurses came to me in anger and said, "I have never stolen from the hospital but now I will start and just try to see how I do it."  It took some time to be able to deescalate the situation.  This also caused very hard feelings to be raised with the doctor.  

Here is the issue that was causing all the anger.  We could not run the hospital without the medications.  We were dealing with a Hemorrhagic Fever outbreak at that time and there was only one specific antibiotic to treat it and this was primarily the antibiotic that was disappearing.  The stealing had to stop and how do you do this without finding out who is taking the medications?  Oswald Chambers continues, "Many of the things in life that inflict the greatest injury, grief, or pain, stem from the fact that we suffer from illusions.   We are not true to one another as facts, seeing each other as we really are; we are only true to our misconceived ideas of one another. According to our thinking, everything is either delightful and good, or it is evil, malicious, and cowardly."   We as foreign staff felt a terrible aversion to the idea of having to basically mistrust everyone because of one person.  The local staff were very angry to be lumped in with a thief and not trusted when they were trustworthy and valued the trust.  And the doctor knew that he needed to have medications to treat the children of the area that needed treatment.

It took one day for the thief to be found out.  It was not any of the nurses......it was the pharmacist himself......he was taking the antibiotics putting them in the toes of his shoes and walking them out the gate.  Our doctor found this.  Quite honestly we were all shocked and I think I was the most.  I had even said, "We won't need to check the pharmacist when he leaves because he knows exactly how much medication it takes for each treatment and how hopeless it will be if we don't have enough medications left".  I was wrong......once again......

Oswald Chambers ends this writing with the following, ""Our Lord trusted no one, and never placed His faith in people, yet He was never suspicious or bitter. Our Lord’s confidence in God, and in what God’s grace could do for anyone, was so perfect that He never despaired, never giving up hope for any person. If our trust is placed in human beings, we will end up despairing of everyone."  This type of attitude would spare us so much grief and anger.  

Carrying Us When We Can't Stand.....

http://utmost.org/do-you-see-Jesus-in-your-clouds

When facing great difficulty, one of the ways I have found to get through it is to look for the end.....to see how soon I can get out of the circumstances and get my feet back on solid ground.  Of course I live during the difficult time but my eyes are always on the goal of returning to "normal".  When I was in Vietnam and it was difficult, I would know that I had X number of months and therefore could survive the difficulty.....because the end was in sight......distant at times but still I knew it was going to be coming within a certain timing......  With the need for Jeremy to have intensive medical care and months of rehabilitation.....the certainty of an end date was not there. 

I remember sitting at Jeremy's bedside for hours watching the monitors and leaving Bryan to care for the other two children.  I am fully aware now that I was abandoning the other children but I had this odd belief that if I just stayed at this bedside, Jeremy would not die.  No sense in this but that was my core belief at that time.  I am sure that my constant presence was difficult for the nurses and doctors but they were gracious and very protective of our family.  Then a social worker came to talk to me the day after the accident  to try to get us to begin making plans for an extended stay in the San Diego area.  Now I saw Jeremy on the respirator.....not responding.....with the doctors not giving a positive prognosis......but somehow when this woman came with the idea of our not returning to Thailand  on July 29th.....well I couldn't deal with that.  I remember telling her that we lived in Thailand and would be flying back at the end of July.....she would again say that we needed to make longer term plans to remain in this area....begin looking for schools for Amanda and Justin......and I would again refuse to listen.  Finally I told her that IF Jeremy was not able to get on the plane by July 29th, then we could talk.  Seemed so reasonable to me.....it was the hope that kept me able to keep everything together......she just walked away and never came back to help me again....Poor dear.  Bryan was more able to see reality and he began to look for alternatives to living in the waiting room......and this kept the other two children occupied too.

Before long we began to see the result of the pressure on Justin and Amanda.  Justin was angry and hurting.  After all, he had been with Jeremy, seen everything and been nearly hit by the truck also.  Amanda became the ultimate helper.  She hid from us how this was all affecting her at such a young age.  We spoke to a psychiatrist at the hospital and he recommended that we move both of the children to another living situation for a time and allow them a break from the uncertainty and pressure.  He also said that it was important for them to know that this was not their decision but ours as parents.  We spoke to friends in the Los Angeles area, the Pansings who took Justin for two weeks and McGuinness's where Amanda had been in childcare before agreed to care for her.  I remember clearly when we spoke to the children about their 'vacation' from the hospital.  Justin asked, "What if I don't want to go.....can I make that choice?"  I told him that this was our decision as parents and he needed to just go.  His response was surprising, He smiled and said, "Yes!!"  I think he was just overwhelmed with all the responsibility he was feeling and now going to be relieved from a huge decision.  He turned and left.  Amanda did not feel supported at all by this decision.....and it was very difficult for her to be away from us and Jeremy.

Over the next days we continued to pray and watch Jeremy make no progress it seemed.  Many friends came or called from around the world and we heard of people we didn't even know praying and asking their churches to pray for Jeremy's recovery.  It was so supportive and at times overwhelming for me.  The telephone operators at the hospital would call or hold calls depending on how we were doing.  I remember finally asking that they take messages and not put calls through one afternoon and a few minutes later the phone rang in the ICU room and the operator said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I think you might want take this call.....it is from some place called Cambodia".  Bryan was working for World Vision International at that time as the regional director for Indochina and Burma and the director from Cambodia was calling to give support.

This was also a time when loved ones trying to make sense of this tragedy would call and many times say things that were not helpful nor encouraging.  My mom called three days in a row to tell me that she and one of my sisters wanted to let me know that if I had just prayed the right words that day before Jeremy and Justin went out, the accident would have been avoided.  What I clearly heard was...I was to blame for the accident.  Now this does not make sense.....and for two of the days I just let it go and ended the call.....but by the third day I remember saying......"Look, if God is sovereign He could have prevented that truck from hitting Jeremy....but He didn't......so if you have a problem with this......take it up with God.....".  Oswald Chambers writes, "Clouds are the sorrows, sufferings, or providential circumstances, within or without our personal lives, which actually seem to contradict the sovereignty of God. Yet it is through these very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were never any clouds in our lives, we would have no faith."  

  

Jeremy was in the hospital for 90 days.  14 days on a respirator then he was ex-tubated and had 3 more days before he spoke or seemed to be at all aware of his surroundings. While he was on the respirator we would sometimes play 'thumb wars' with Jeremy before he would respond to other stimuli.  We would take his hand and begin the counting, "One-two-three-four, I declare a thumb war". And although Jeremy would not respond to any other stimulus, he would not only begin to respond to the thumb wars but also cheat and use his index finger to make sure he won....... The doctors could not explain this response......It was the 17th day after the accident we were getting ready to go for the night. I said goodnight to Jeremy and as always, "I love you".  The nurse and Bryan were standing right beside the bed and Jeremy whispered, "I love you too."  We wouldn't believe it.  It was a little like the movies.  We asked him, "What is your name?"  He responded, "J-e-r-e-m-y" as he spelled his name.  He did the same for Justin, Amanda and Dad and then became too tired to talk any longer.   He didn't speak again for several days but we finally knew that he was beginning to show significant recovery.  We were thrilled.  

For the weeks to follow we watched as Jeremy began to make measurable changes.  He would lay in the bed and mumble first numbers....."1-2-3......1-2-3" over and over and later he would be at "4-5-6" over and over and if we added "7" he would pause and return to "4-5-6".  Next came letters...."A-B-C.....A-B-C".....later, "M-N-O" over and over....and the staff told us this was him reorganizing his brain.....  It was amazing to watch and allowed us to focus less on the difficulties and more on the improvements...small as they were.  

Oswald Chambers continues, "It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something. His purpose in using the cloud is to simplify our beliefs until our relationship with Him is exactly like that of a child ....and where other people are but shadows."  We resisted when Jeremy was suddenly moved from the high tech area of ICU to the oldest part of the hospital.....rehabilitation......but could not change this move.  We then held on to the rehab staff and what they had to teach us to be prepared for the changes that would be coming in Jeremy....and to the other families that were in Jeremy's room.....who's children had also been involved in accidents and were also significantly injured.  But above this was a desperate need to hold on to God.....to trust Him to heal Jeremy and to hold us during this terrible time.  I do not know how we would have survived without a deep belief in the sovereignty of God during this.  I am thankful that we already had been through difficulties and found that He is faithful and will carry us through..... 

Finally, Oswald Chambers writes, "There is a connection between the strange providential circumstances allowed by God and what we know of Him, and we have to learn to interpret the mysteries of life in the light of our knowledge of God. Until we can come face to face with the deepest, darkest fact of life without damaging our view of God’s character, we do not yet know Him."