My Goal....Is it the Product or the Process

http://utmost.org/God’s-purpose-or-mine

As soon as I read this entry I reflected back on a very difficult time in our lives.......I have mentioned it before but I believe this is another time to write about it.  It is the time we had a year unexpectedly in San Diego, California.

We were living in Thailand......Amanda had completed 3rd grade, Justin, 6th, and Jeremy was going to enter 9th grade and high school years.......We returned to California to visit family and had plans to go to Maryland where we still owned a home and had close neighbors there with whom the children kept contact.  This was no different from many years when we returned home for a few months during the summer.  

My sister, Barbara, had a timeshare apartment in Carlsbad, California.  She graciously offered for us to use her week there for some time together at the beach.  It was wonderful and we were so looking forward to it.  We had already spent some time in the Los Angeles area visiting friends and family.

We settled into the place and although it was cooler than we had expected, it was wonderful.  We had friends we had known in Indonesia coming to visit us.  After breakfast the boys wanted to go to rent a video at the nearby store.  They were going to borrow the bikes that were available and at the last moment I reminded them to wear a helmet.......if there is no helmet, don't ride.  Off they went....Now it is interesting that I told them to wear the helmets because in Thailand no one wore one.....but I believe that was God's intervention.....

After some time we heard sirens and commented on how amazing it is that fire trucks can go so quickly down the streets.....never would happen in the traffic of Bangkok....and we laughed.  A short while later Justin came back carrying Jeremy's shoes.  He was with a couple we had never met before.  They told us that Jeremy had been hit by a car and the police had sent them with Justin to get us.  Jeremy was going to go to the hospital in an ambulance.  We were stunned.  Justin was silent and crying.  We quickly got into the car with Amanda and Justin and the couple showed us the way back to the accident scene.

When this type of incident occurs you are not really clear in all that is happening.  We arrived at the scene and there was an ambulance, Jeremy was on the other side of the paramedics and his leg was in a splint.....we could not see the rest him.  I got out of the car and began to run to him.....but a policeman stopped me and told me I couldn't go into the accident scene......I should meet him at the hospital.  I told him in no uncertain terms that I was a nurse and would go to see my son but he kept pushing me back and saying that Jeremy was fine.....just a broken leg.....and we needed to go to the hospital.  It was about this moment that I first saw the helicopter on the road......and then the paramedics moved the gurney with Jeremy lying on it toward the helicopter.....and I saw that this policeman was lying to me....Jeremy was seriously injured.....and the paramedics were breathing for him......   

They gave us directions to drive to Children's Hospital of San Diego....and Bryan drove so fast.  It was on the road that I called my mother to ask her to pray for Jeremy.  Also a verse came to my mind from the Bible in Job 13:15 that says:  "Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him".  Did this mean that Jeremy was going to die?  We had no idea.  At the hospital we saw Jeremy from a distance in the Emergency Room just before they took him for hours of surgery. We lived in the ICU waiting room for days.....and then the hospital helped us get into the Ronald McDonald House for a week until we could find a place to live.  

So why am I telling you this story?  For many years I believed that God would bless us if we followed Him closely.....somehow we would be protected from the horrors of life......yet I had learned a few years before that this just isn't true.  We are not protected from bad events......these are a part of life......and living in an imperfect world......   Our purpose is to walk through these terrible times.....continuing to trust God in the process......not just 'holding on' until we get to the goal......whatever that goal might be at that time......Oswald Chambers writes this......"What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself."

While we were waiting for the doctors to finish the hours of surgery and tell us something....Bryan and I prayed and purposed with each other.....now it doesn't make sense to blame each other but when the tensions are high, we tend to do this.....try to find someone to blame.....but we decided that no matter what.....God was in control and He could mend Jeremy and restore him to health.....and we would just trust Him in the process.  Of course, we had no idea what that process would exact from all of us.....but we started it with resolutely stating our belief that God is sovereign over all of this too.  Every day we prayed for Jeremy to awaken from his coma......something like in the movies where he would suddenly just be awake and alert and it will all be over.....all the waiting and watching and hoping and anxiety for his future.   

Oswald Chamber continues...."God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious."

Jeremy had a long road of recovery and God was faithful.  He is now married and has a wonderful daughter.  I find that I recall these days because I want to remember God's faithfulness to all of us during that time and now......it helps me face the next issue......and remember, it is the process, not the product that God is perfecting in me.

Knowledge Through Obedience

http://utmost.org/the-way-to-knowledge

I have worked for a number of years in the area of hospice and palliative care.  This was caring for people in their homes at the end of their lives.  This means working with the families to meet the patients needs as well as family needs.  This is a difficult time for the entire family.  There are times when families that were splintered come back together for the sake of their loved one and make things work together for the good of the patient.  In other families, all the emotions while seeing the decline of their loved one produces so much stress that it sometimes causes the family to splinter.  

I am currently watching Kathy and Glenn Mitchell and their family as they care for Grandmother.  When Bryan, Kathy and Helen, Bryan's youngest sister, were very young, their mother died.  Bryan was only 12 and he was the eldest of this family group.  The family was having great difficulty with the loss and this caused their father to drink even more than he did before.  A school teacher, Ms Anita Bingham was the teacher for Kathy.  She took an interest in the family and tried to help them with the loss.  Over time she became the legal guardian for Kathy.  The kids didn't want to call her Ms. Bingham because she was more involved in the family than that title would suggest......so they called her Grandmother and this stuck..... 

Grandmother is now older and having health issues.  She can no longer live alone and has needed to be moved to an assisted living.  This stress along with other stresses on this family could pull them apart but instead it is drawing them closer together as they care for her and each other.  This is how we should be.....helping and supporting one other.  

When my father died it was very sudden.  He went in for surgery and died shortly afterwards.  There was no warning and no way to prepare for the loss.  All six of us kids reached out to each other and supported our mom and one another.  It was a good time for family unity and appreciation.

Several years later our mother fell and broke her hip.  She had been declining for years but this made it impossible for her to continue to live in her home and be alone for many hours at a time.  There were many decisions that needed to be made about her care, the family home, and the estate.  Instead of this drawing us together as we had been with our father.......supporting and encouraging each other, we had a huge rift that occurred......and I must say I was an active participant is stirring up anger toward those making the decisions.  It became so horrible that one day my son, Justin, came to me and expressed his anguish at what was happening.  I remember him reminding me that we had worked hard over the years to keep the kids close with their aunts, uncles and cousins.  This had required us to travel back to the USA every summer so they could reconnect and have time with them and their grandparents.  Now, he said, "You are destroying this....we cannot hardly look at each other anymore and you need to stop this".  Each family unit was protecting their own....and pulling away from the others......and "we don't want this".  I felt convicted and ashamed...... 

I believe this is what Oswald Chambers is writing about......"Jesus said, “If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). He is saying, in essence, “Don’t say another word to me; first be obedient by making things right.” The teachings of Jesus hit us where we live. We cannot stand as impostors before Him for even one second." 

I was dividing and destroying my own family.  Were others involved too?  This doesn't matter....it never does.....I am only responsible for me.....my behavior and attitudes.  Oswald Chambers continues....."When Jesus drives something home to you through His Word, don’t try to evade it. If you do, you will become a religious impostor. Examine the things you tend simply to shrug your shoulders about......"  

Thankfully over the years since our mother's death although some scars remain...... we have grown together again as a family.  I am thankful that my son had the courage and conviction to speak up and glaringly show me what I was doing......and that God is able to heal the fractures of our lives if we are willing to obey His leading.

Be-Attitudes

http://utmost.org/am-i-blessed-like-this

This reading is about the Beatitudes from the Sermon on the Mount by Jesus.  It is talking about the attitudes of heart that we are to have in our lives and in interactions with God and others and these are upside down in our way of thinking.....to be poor in spirit, to be meek, to mourn, to hunger and thirst for righteousness, to be merciful, to have a pure heart, to be a peacemaker....and then finally to be consider yourself blessed when you are persecuted because of right living.....Oswald Chambers writes, "..the Beatitudes initially seem to be merely soothing and beautiful precepts for overly spiritual and seemingly useless people, but of very little practical use in the rigid, fast-paced workdays of the world in which we live". He continues, "The teachings of Jesus are all out of proportion when compared to our natural way of looking at things, and they come to us initially with astonishing discomfort. We gradually have to conform our walk and conversation to the precepts of Jesus Christ as the Holy Spirit applies them to our circumstances".

When Jeremy, our eldest son, was 13 he was involved in a terrible accident.  This impacted all of the family because Jeremy was profoundly injured and needed months in the hospital as well as rehabilitation, we were unable to return to Thailand to live so the two other children had to go to a new school while they were in shock with what had happened to their big brother and dealing with the loss of friends and normalcy for them too....everything had changed.   I spent every day at the hospital trying to deal with the ramifications of the incident on Jeremy and the rest of the family.  It was an exceedingly difficult time for all.

One day I received a phone call from the father of the young man who was driving the truck that hit and devastated Jeremy.  He said, "I am sending my son to the hospital to see you so he can understand what he has done to our family".  I couldn't believe what he was saying.  To their family???  I asked him not to do this but he said, "He is on his way and will be there soon".  He then hung up.  Not 5 minutes later I saw a young man standing in the hall with a cap on his head that was pulled down to cover his eyes....standing with his head down and I just knew it was this young man, J J.   Now in the past I know that I would have reacted horribly......focusing on what he had done to us.....but something had happened inside of me that I can only believe came from God changing my heart......  I went to the door and asked if he was J J and he said he was.  He told me exactly what his father had just said on the phone......this was some sort of punishment for this young man to see the results of his inexperienced driving and the accident......and I felt this overwhelming pity for him.  I remember putting my arm around him and asking if he was getting counseling....help for him to deal with the accident too.....he wasn't.  I encouraged him to get professional help but he said this was not how his family dealt with problems.  He began to ask me questions and tell me things he was concerned about and I remember just wanting him to go and get help for himself.  I asked him to do that and said good by.  

Why do I tell this?  Because I know this was not my normal reaction......but somehow I was compelled to extend mercy and grace to this young man who was suffering too......differently but still profoundly.  This is what I think this reading is about today...to have such a change in heart attitude that it naturally comes out in behaviors.  I believe this was exactly what was right attitude...the one from God.....on that day. 

Doing the Unimaginable

http://utmost.org/the-way-to-purity

This past weekend the world watched in horror at the events in Norway.  A man dressed as a policeman went into a youth camp and slaughtered 68 people.  We cannot comprehend how anyone can be so evil and think the only answer must be he is ill.  This type of action is so horrific that there is no way for us to reconcile this in our minds.  Why would he do this?  Why children?  

When we look at the reading today we see a warning given by Jesus that all of us have this kind of impurity inside of us.  We do not want to look at it because we want to believe that we are kind and caring and accepting of people's differences and we pat ourselves on the back and move forward.  But what Oswald Chambers is writing about today is that inside of each of us, there is all sorts of evil potential.  I like the way he writes this....."If I will take an honest look at myself, becoming fully aware of my so-called innocence and putting it to the test, I am very likely to have a rude awakening that what Jesus Christ said is true, and I will be appalled at the possibilities of the evil and the wrong within me......If I have never been an openly rude and abusive person, the only reason is my own cowardice coupled with the sense of protection I receive from living a civilized life."  The only thing that can protect me from the potential inside of me to do evil is Jesus Christ and the change He can bring to my nature.  

While I was living in Danang, Vietnam and working at the Children's Hospital there I would drive a van to the air base to take someone to the airport, go shop or have a meal.  Since I have a poor sense of direction I liked to go with someone else to not get lost.  This one day I was with my friend, Sherry.  Now there was a real problem at this time.  When people would drive down the road there were children who would come along side and steal whatever they could get from your vehicle.  We had watched them pace themselves along with military jeeps and take the gas can that was belted to the back of the jeep, take watches off people who were not paying attention, packages that were not being tightly held and run off......It was easy because the roads were narrow with cars, trucks, motorcycles and bicycles all traveling together and no one was traveling very fast.  Coupled with what I had witnessed, I had been robbed of my camera and had needed to leave China Beach because there were so many of these "slicky boys" as they were called at that time.....trying to take my things while I was sitting on my towel.  They would come in a group and you couldn't watch each one all the time.  So this particular day as we were traveling back to the hospital several boys started to cross the street.  One was on crutches and the others were walking slowly with him and cars were beginning to slow even more than usual.  From the side I saw the other boys starting to pace themselves with my van and our doors did not lock so they would be in and out quickly if I slowed down.......and this is were I came face to face with my own depravity......with the evil inside of me.......I pushed my foot down on the accelerator and began driving as fast as I could.....and this van made a terrible sound as I raced forward........right toward the boy on the crutches and his friends......He dropped the crutches and they all ran out of the way......so I was right that this was a ploy to slow me down so I could be robbed.......but that isn't what I had to face........their wrong doing.......I had to face the fact that I was working to help the children in Vietnam and yet.....at this moment.....I was hurtling toward them in a vehicle that could have crushed them........and I frankly couldn't believe that I had made that instantaneous decision......protect myself at all cost.........I am so thankful that they were able to run out of the way before I reached where they were....... 

We may think that we are non violent, spiritual or just good.......and yet we could do something that at this time is unimaginable in our normal state because we are not pure......and this gives me greater appreciation of what God is doing in my life as He is changing me from the inside......

Can There Be Pure Motives?

http://utmost.org/his-nature-and-our-motives

I am sure it seems that I write mainly about experiences related to Vietnam.....and those times certainly impacted all of the future journeys around the world....but right now I think of these times because so much of my world view was developed then.  Maybe it also has to do with my age.....and reflecting on the past is normal at this time of life......who knows......  It is just the first paragraph of the reading today is about motives......

When I first returned from Vietnam for a home visit I met with our pastor, Lloyd Ogilvie.  He asked me several questions about why I was living and working in Vietnam during a war.  I believe he was really having difficulty with the safety concerns.  When he asked how I felt safe there, my immediate reply I still remember clearly......."No matter where I am, if I am where God wants me to be, where could I be any safer??"  I remember he smiled and agreed.  

My sister would ask me why I continued to return to such a difficult places.....and she would say, "Haven't you done enough?"   Now this speaks to motives.....what the devotional is talking about today.  "The characteristic of a disciple is not that he does good things, but that he is good in his motives, having been made good by the supernatural grace of God. The only thing that exceeds right-doing is right-being....Your motives must be so pure that God Almighty can see nothing to rebuke".  I have always thought that my motives have never been pure......I did go to Vietnam with mixed motives......for excitement and adventure....to show my father that I could actually follow through on a plan and also I believed God was leading me there......so mixed motives.....and during the time I lived there and elsewhere I have felt that I have gained more in my life than I have given......so perhaps my problem is not with my motives but is my acceptance of what God has been doing in and through me.  

I am finding that writing this blog is causing me to rethink some of the basic beliefs that I was taught as a child and tried to model as an adult.  I was taught that I must be doing for the Kingdom of God....and this would be the evidence of my faith....and a natural end would be God's approval.  In fact, if I spent time having fun or too much joking, I was not being a "good Christian".  This is very difficult to release as an adult and not have a real sense of disquiet.  What I'm learning now with this reading is to focus exclusively on either the doing or being then we take the focus to a wrong place and it hinders God's working in us.

As I have said, I came to Soyo, Angola with a passion to start a hospice and palliative care program.  I believed this was what God was leading me to do......for the benefit of the people here.....and thereby to bring glory to God by this program and my attitude of service......I talked about it, planned for it, and carried out a huge amount of supplies in our shipment to make the program easier for the people.  Perhaps at some time this will be what the people want....but it certainly doesn't seem to be at this moment....and that is alright.....  

What am I beginning to see as my purpose for being here?  I am beginning to see that the writing of this blog is causing me to think about my basic beliefs.......to reflect on what has been the driving force in my life.....and see what new I can learn now......  Living in such a quiet place with so few distractions, God has forced me into a period of quiet mediation and reflection.  This has allowed His Spirit to work in me in a new way now....unlike any time in the past.   My husband is a strong believer in Praxis.....a balance between action and reflection.  He has also been an advocate of frequent journaling which facilitates Praxis.  Doing this has been difficult for me as I have always stayed so busy....but now I spend hours thinking about my journey and praying about what I want to be writing each day......and I am finding this very enjoyable and I actually look forward to this time.  I am learning that regardless what my motives were at any particular time.....God has still chosen to use me......and caused me to be even more committed to Him now than I have ever been before.  Oswald Chambers writes, "Jesus Christ does not give us rules and regulations— He gives us His teachings which are truths that can only be interpreted by His nature which He places within us. The great wonder of Jesus Christ’s salvation is that He changes our heredity. He does not change human nature— He changes its source, and thereby its motives as well."

Sanctification Part 2.....Kept by the Power of God

http://utmost.org/sanctification-2

Of course the teaching on sanctification is carried over to a second day......because Oswald Chambers looked at the two parts.....being emptied.....and then being filled......so again, I have needed to wait and think and pray about how to write on this.....

I must say that the living part is much less difficult for me to think about and try to process than the death.  But then he says, "The mystery of sanctification is that the perfect qualities of Jesus Christ are imparted as a gift to me, not gradually, but instantly once I enter by faith into the realization that He “became for [me] . . . sanctification . . . . Sanctification means nothing less than the holiness of Jesus becoming mine and being exhibited in my life".  So how do I understand that I am not perfect once and for all?  That I have to have a 'do over' again and again?  He continues..... "The most wonderful secret of living a holy life does not lie in imitating Jesus, but in letting the perfect qualities of Jesus exhibit themselves in my human flesh..."  This statement makes it more clear for me......in letting the perfect qualities of Jesus exhibit themselves in me.......so although it is an instant transformation in me.....I must day by day chose to continue to allow His qualities to be shown in my life......and I believe I frequently get this backwards and want to imitate Jesus.....to do something for Him.......and what He is asking is that I stop doing and allow Him to be in me.....which will naturally flow out...."the gift of His patience, love, holiness, faith, purity, and godliness that is exhibited in and through"...me.....

Previously I have talked about the Mitchell family.  Archie and Betty and their son, Glenn, who is my brother in law......married to my husband's sister, Kathy.  This is a family who has lived lives that showed us the qualities that I want in my life.....patience, love, holiness, faith, purity and godliness.....under extremely challenging circumstances.  I have spoken about the circumstances of Betty and Archie......with Archie being captured by the Viet Cong in 1962 and how Betty waited and trusted God to return him home to her.  She remained in Vietnam until she too was captured in 1975 and taken to Hanoi with other missionary prisoners and finally released.......but still never found her husband.  I think of how she led her life filled with the qualities that God gifts those who chose to be open to Him....and I wonder if I could have been so consistent in my living given her circumstances......15 years of continuing to work with the people in Vietnam with whom God had sent both her and her husband....and living such an exemplary life.....that it has impacted her children to follow her example and keep God first in their lives.....as well as many others that have watched her live....day by day....year in and year out.....

I spent some time with Betty in Malaysia when she was working at Dalat School in Penang.  She was the dietitian for the boarding school.   She had been released from captivity in Hanoi and was back working where the Christian and Missionary Alliance sent her.  I needed some medical care and so went to be with her.  She told me stories of her captivity......the journey from Bamnethuot to Hanoi and the hopes she had of finally being reunited with her husband.  She did not dwell on the disappointment of not finding him there.  She told me of one story that I believe is exactly what Oswald Chambers is talking about......"Sanctification is not drawing from Jesus the power to be holy— it is drawing from Jesus the very holiness that was exhibited in Him, and that He now exhibits in me".

Betty related how once the group of missionaries had reached Hanoi they were interrogated frequently.  She said they had to write their story and tell of each person by name that they had met during their time in Vietnam......and they didn't want to do this for fear of repercussions on them.....and she said that it was tedious and she was becoming ill.  One day she was taken to see the worst of the interrogators....the most harsh and difficult and he began to demand information from her......said she told him.....I have already told you all that I can......you just keep asking me to repeat myself and I have......  This man then became very angry and said to her, "You have to obey me or I will never let you see your children again".  Betty said she was so weak and exhausted and although she did not want this to happen, tears began to run down her face as she said, "You have no power over what happens in my life.......my life is in God's hands and it is not up to you but His choice if I see my children again".  She said the interrogation stopped and she was never questioned by this man again.   

This is the heart of God being reflected in the words and life of this woman......clear, honest faith in the dependency of God to continue to fill her every word and thought.....and to allow her to express this under the most difficult of circumstances because God was dwelling in her and being exhibited in her life.  

And now I watch Glenn and Kathy....my brother and sister in law...... They live in Wheaton, Illinois.  Both have come from difficult background stories and have faced incredible challenges throughout their lives.....but this doesn't change their heart attitudes.....both of them live for the Lord completely no matter the circumstances...... They trust Him completely..... and they continue "to live a life of inexpressible order, soundness, and holiness— “. . . kept by the power of God . . .” (1 Peter 1:5)"

Sanctification Part 1...How do I understand this?

http://utmost.org/sanctification-1

I wrote previously about my difficulty to comprehend the meaning of sanctification and as I read this devotion, I am faced again with this difficulty as well as the way these concepts are abrasive to my thinking.....Oswald Chambers does not soften the concept at all.....in fact, it seems as though his words are so very harsh and I thought I might not write on this.....because it is so difficult for me to talk about.  

I understand the words...."Am I willing to reduce myself down to simply “me”? Am I determined enough to strip myself of all that my friends think of me, and all that I think of myself? Am I willing and determined to hand over my simple naked self to God?"...but to actually put that into practice and that would mean for me to give up all the social correctness I have learned over the years.....to give up my deep desire to be loved by others, accepted by them and allow God to rebuild me as He wants me to be.....holy and pure......and for a moment or even a day, I say.....Yes!!......and then the pressures of this world come in and I again seek the approval of others to find my worth......and it is frankly comfortable much of the time.

So after all the excitement I've had in my life......all the wonderful places I have lived and worked and loved......God has now placed me in Soyo, Angola.  Frankly, even with all the difficulties of living here, I love it!!  I am more quiet, thoughtful, and seeking through this blog to reflect on why God has led me on my journey of life......and I believe that He is the one that has opened the way and closed other paths for me whether I was seeking Him at that moment or not......because at a time in my life I had a mother and father who prayed for me......and longed to teach me how to live with God in the forefront of everything I did..........

I was raised in a home with parents that looked to serve God in everything they did.  I didn't always agree with how they worked out their relationship with Him and how it then filtered down to me as their child as well as my siblings.  But I believe they had hearts that were truly seeking Gods will day by day.  

I remember when my mother was very upset with my behavior and had disciplined me once again....she came back and said....I want to tell you of a dream that I have and it repeats in my sleep.  My mother had many dreams and would share them with us.......In this one she said that my twin sister, Mary, and I were playing in the side yard of our home in Hollywood, California.  We were very small.....just toddlers.....and the landscaping and wall weren't finished and there was a steep drop off from that portion of the yard......she said in the dream it was very foggy and she could hear us calling out but we were lost in the fog and she couldn't get to us.......no matter how she tried.  She said that this recurrent dream had caused her to pray for us even more than she usually did.....because she was so afraid we would fall off the side of the hill and be gone......  As I grew up into my teenage years she would remind me of this dream and how she believed my lack of obedience was what this dream was all about......

From grade 5 we children attended a Christian school......I had been truant and my mother had seen me walking down the road with my friends at lunch time when I was supposed to be a monitor on the steps of the school to make sure no one was walking too fast and might be hurt.  I ran back to the school as fast as I could once I saw her car but could not get there first.  She was waiting for me at the gate....took me to the principals office and was disgusted because when the principal saw my tears she said that was enough discipline and sent me to class......  My mothers answer was to find a small Christian school, Culter Academy, and move us all there.  I didn't mind.  

This was a school started by a missionary, Mabel Culter, who had worked for years in Korea.  It was a very academic and I loved it there.  I'm not sure how my siblings felt with the move....  Two recurring events were a chapel time and Bible class.  I had already had a lot of teaching in Sunday School at the 1st Presbyterian Church of Hollywood and had memorized many verses from the Bible.  I loved it when the missionaries would come and talk about their lives overseas and the people they worked with.  I do remember when the speaker would sometimes offer a time for any of us to come forward to either accept Jesus as our Savior or renew our relationship with Him, I would go forward over and over.......just to make sure I was saved.

Why do I tell you this?  I don't believe this was just childish behavior......I believe that even as a young child I had a heart that yearned to follow Christ.  I really did want to be made right and holy before Him and to have a relationship......but then the day to day living got in the way and I would know that my attitude was so wrong and so I would go again and 'renew my relationship'.  So I believe that even as a child, I was in process....but it would take many years and continues even now...the process of being stripped down with nothing left but myself....to be empty to be ready to be refilled with Him.

Ending the Refugee Story......Guam to Chicago.

http://utmost.org/the-doorway-to-the-kingdom

This devotional from Oswald Chambers is so appropriate for the next part of this story.  He writes about Jesus' teaching, "As long as we have some self-righteous idea that we can carry out our Lord’s teaching, God will allow us to continue until we expose our own ignorance by stumbling over some obstacle in our way".  This was exactly where I was.....thinking I could certainly arrange all that was needed to get the Vietnamese orphans I was responsible for from the refugee camp in Guam to their new families in Chicago, Illinois.  I had prayed for God's guidance and then expected to just be able to accomplish this huge task.  It was an experience I had never encountered before and it became more daunting as the days progressed.

In 1975, I had been evacuated from Vietnam and finally came to Guam.  It was there that I became the escort for six orphaned children that had been evacuated from an orphanage in Nha Trang, Vietnam.

The six orphans and I had traveled to and were now resident at Fort Chafee, Arkansas.  We were living in a camp with only Vietnamese people.  I was the only American living in the refugee camp with my 'children'.  Missionaries that had worked in Vietnam for many years had come to this area.  They entered the camp during the day but went to local hotels to sleep at night.  Again, these were people I had known in Vietnam when I was working with the Christian and Missionary Alliance in Pleiku.  They did not work in Pleiku but we met at conference meetings and in the guest house in Saigon.  It was encouraging for me to find people with whom I could speak easily as most of my time I was trying to use the limited language skills I had with the children and the other residents in the camp.  As an American I could have left the camp at anytime but the children couldn't.....and so I wouldn't.  

The goal that I had was to get through the immigration process required for the release of these children and get them to their adoptive families.  So the first full day we were there I started the process and took the children with me to each meeting.....wanting to make sure they were safe, not getting into trouble, and for the impact I believed it would have on the Americans that were managing the processing.  It didn't seem to make any difference because we were one of hundreds of people waiting to process.  Every place we went was long lines and long waits.  Sometimes you would wait and not be seen that day and need to come back the next.  

The first requirement was a medical check.  If you were over the age of 15, you had to have blood work for sexually transmitted diseases.  Since all the children were 14 years of age and younger, none of them needed these tests.  Because I was in the camp, I was required to have them.  As I sat with the corpsman who was explaining what was required for him to sign off on the medical exams, I told him that I didn't need the blood work because I was a missionary nurse.  I'll never forget his response..... "Look lady, I don't care who you are.  You are over the age of 15 so put your arm out and get the test".  I did.  All of us were required to have the tuberculosis skin test.  This then meant that we needed to stay in the camp for the next three days before the test could be read and the medical requirements signed off.  

It was during this waiting that I began to worry......Bryan had left Guam in such a hurry.....we had a few moments to speak across a fence before he was taken to be deported and he had wanted to give me the adoption information but we both forgot that I did not know where he lived in Illinois and how to get in touch with him.  As I have said, much of the time in Guam was chaotic.  So here I was in Arkansas with these six children and did not know how to connect with Bryan to update him on our progress.  This began to way heavy on my heart.

I tried to think of how to get in touch with him and one day as we were walking around the camp during the waiting I saw a Red Cross tent.  I went to see the worker there and she saw my distress and understood my plight.  I'd imagine she thought I was nuts......and certainly not well prepared.  She helped me try to find Bryan.  I remembered him giving his information to someone else at the camp and had seen that his town had two names and was about an hour outside of Wheaton, Illinois....so we looked at the map and found several towns......the closest to Wheaton was, DeKalb.  At least this is how it was spelled on the map.  Actually this town is only one word but two syllables....it is a miracle I ever found him......To me this met the two word requirement so I called information and asked for the phone number of Bryan Truman. Thankfully the phone was registered in his name.  I called and a man answered, "Joe's Bar and Grill".  I hung up and burst into tears.  The days were becoming long and isolating for me and the wait for everything.....long lines....and now I thought I had found the right Bryan Truman but his phone was answered as a bar and grill.......The Red Cross worker suggested gently that I try to call again......and this time Bryan's roommate answered with, "Hello".  Bryan was not home....he was relaxing in Wisconsin at 'The Dunes'.  Rick said he would tell him I had called and would update him on our progress.  I told him I would call back when we were ready to leave.  

Finally the three day waiting for the laboratory tests was completed and all of us were declared healthy.  Many of the other immigration requirements were waived due to the age of the children and I went to try to get a flight to take the children to their new homes.  We had been in the camps for 6 days by then.  It seemed much longer, let me tell you.  

I had a release for each of the children when I went to the office that made the airline bookings.  On the document it listed the six children's names only.  So when I turned in the paper the clerk told me that only the children would be given tickets and I would not be able to fly with them.  This was unacceptable and I tried to explain how they were orphans and I had been with them throughout this process was the responsible to escort them to their adoptive families.  He would not listen.  He just said it was not possible.  I was so discouraged and as I began walking out another clerk came up and quietly said, "He leaves at 3PM.  Come back at 3:30."  The kids and I went out and waited and I prayed.  At the appointed time I returned to the office and gave the clerk my paper.  He quietly said, "Go to a typewriter and add your name before you turn the in the requisition".  I did and it was quite evident that my name was added since the new type was larger.  I took the paper to the processing clerk and he looked at it and took it to his boss.  This man called me into his office and asked, "Did you add your name to this?"  I responded, "Do you really want me to answer that?"  He said, "Yes".  Then I said I had and began the explanation of the plight of these orphans and how they needed me to remain with them until they could be given to their adoptive families and he listened patiently and then said something that made me realize that God was directing my paths.......He said, "I was one of the pilots on the Air America flight that you were on when you were evacuated from Pleiku.  I remember someone put your sewing machine on just before we shut the door......If you have made it this far, I will not block your way now."  He took the paper and signed it for us to leave the next day.  I was so surprised and so thankful......I went back to the Red Cross tent and told Rick, Bryan's roommate, that we would be coming on the flight the next day and to have us met in Chicago.  He said he would relay the message.

The children and I were so excited.  This was our last night here.  We went to dinner and were celebrating.  Now I need to tell you that the missionaries had given me a name tag when I was in Guam.  It said, "Tin Lanh" which signified the Christian and Missionary Alliance Church in Vietnam and allowed the Vietnamese to recognize with whom I was associated....below that was my name and the job I had been doing...."Margaret Herren, RN".  Since I had worn that in Guam I continued to wear it in Ft Chafee refugee camp along with my photo identification for the camp.  It is interesting.....by being in the refugee camp and having the children with me all the time and also wearing the name badge that had Vietnamese writing on it.....even though I am 6 feet tall, many of the Americans I met called me either "Miss Lan" or "Miss Lanh".  It was amusing....but also I found that the camp living ws dehumanizing.....in the food lines no one looked us in the face or spoke.....we took a very large metal tray and walked down the line.  Food was heaped on the tray as we passed.  Then we went to sit and eat but it was such a huge amount of food and much was wasted.  I remember that evening they had apples and one of the boys ate two....he loved them.  We went back to our barracks with the helicopter pilots and went to bed because we needed to leave at 5:30AM to be transported to the airport.  About 2AM, one of the boys began crying out in pain and holding his stomach.  I tried to examine him but he was in too much pain.  I left one of the pilots with the children and ran to the mess area.  There were soldiers working even at that time there.....I said, "One of my children is very sick and needs to go to the hospital.  I think he might have an appendicitis."  I spoke to this young man exactly those words and was so surprised when he called the emergency room and said, "I have a dumb Vietnamese woman here saying her kid is dying and wants to go to the hospital.  Can you come and get them?"  I just looked at him......he was several inches shorter than I and I said, "I'm American".  He finally looked up at me and didn't say anything else but his face showed his shock.  The ambulance came, we went to the emergency room and I was thinking.....we will not be able to leave in the morning if he is really ill.....but it turned out to be from the apples. He had never eaten them before and two were too many......so with a stomach medicine, we went back to our barracks and waited for the bus.  

There were a few other refugees on the bus as we went to the airport.  A soldier came on and asked for each of our photo identifications to check us off his list.  When he came to me, I asked if I could keep my badge......he looked at it....saw I was an American citizen, smiled and handed it back to me.  I have kept it ever since......as a reminder of those days.  We flew on a Frontier Airline flight that stopped several times between Arkansas and Illinois.  We arrived and when we came out of arrivals, no one was there to meet us.  Bryan had been caught in traffic and was late......and I saw a group of people waiting but did not know at that time it was the families.  Even the family that was to adopt the one child that was taken out of the camp in Guam was there and so sad.  Then the hardest thing in a long list of difficult things happened.....and I should have expected this.  I had escorted children to adoptive families before from Vietnam when I lived there and you took them to the airport and their adoptive family received them and your job was finished.  But I had grown very attached to these children and they to me and so it was very hard to just give them a hug and let them go.  The group had a picnic the following Saturday as the children were so sad being separated to three families.  Several of the children were very happy in their homes but not all adjusted easily.  

Throughout these days I had purposed to follow closely to God and do what was put in front of me.  It was far beyond my abilities and yet as I reflect back, I see His hand in the process with the children but also in teaching me about my need not to be just do but to allow Him to mold me into the person He wants me to be.  Oswald Chambers says it so clearly, "What good is there in telling me to be what I can never be— to be “pure in heart” (Matthew 5:8), to do more than my duty, or to be completely devoted to God? I must know Jesus Christ as my Savior before His teaching has any meaning for me other than that of a lofty ideal which only leads to despair. But when I am born again by the Spirit of God, I know that Jesus Christ did not come only to teach— He came to make me what He teaches I should be."  Isn't it interesting.....I was no longer living for fun and thrills but for the Lord and my life was certainly never boring......and never is even now!

Becoming a Refugee in Guam......

http://utmost.org/dependent-on-god’s-presence

I mentioned previously that I had gone to the Island of Guam and worked with the Vietnamese refugees as well as meeting my husband there.  This was 1975.  This was a time of chaos for so many people at the end of the war in Indochina (Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos). A time of waiting to see where those who had fled would be resettled.  Remember, this refugee camp where the people were placed and were we worked had 48,000 displaced people.  Mixed in with the families and single adults were 7 children that were identified as orphans from an orphanage in NhaTrang.....a coastal city north of Saigon.  

Bryan had returned to South East Asia and to Vietnam in April, 1975.  He was looking for orphaned children and was unable to find any so spent his time helping pastors and their families try to find a way to leave the country.  His story is amazing and I will try to have him tell it in another one of these postings.  He had flown out from the American Embassy in Saigon on the 28th of April, two days before the North Vietnamese rolled tanks into Saigon and captured the city.  He was now in Guam.  He had been sent back to Vietnam by a group looking for orphans to be adopted by families who were wanting children.  So Bryan found out about these children as they were from a Christian orphanage..... Arrangements were made for the children to be adopted in the Chicago, Illinois area.   

Due to political issues, Bryan had to leave the island suddenly and asked me to bring these children to the USA and to their families.  

One afternoon I was told I had 3 hours to prepare and go into the refugee camp as a refugee and the attendant for these children.  One of the children had been removed from the camp by a family prior to tightening of regulations for movement in and out of the camp became more controlled so I only had six children to take to Chicago.  The ages of these children were 14 to 6 years of age.  They were so young and yet knew each other so this diminished their anxiety because they spoke only Vietnamese and as I have said, my Vietnamese language was very limited.  This was not going to be an easy transition to their new lives.  So this afternoon the children and I were moved from the refugee camp to a holding area .  

When we arrived at this area we were first taken to the barracks area to find a place to sleep.  The refugee families were very smart and found places with other families.  I was not as quick and so the children and I ended up in the barracks with the single people.  We were not there very long so it was not a problem.  Everyone slept in their clothes.  The first meeting I needed to have was with the American Immigration and Naturalization Service representative to sign a form for me to be on the flight with the children to the USA.  This type of meeting was to be repeated over and over for days as we processed into America.  I went with all six of the children to his office.......I sat and waited for some time until he came to me and I told him what I needed......to travel as the parent for these six children until they were processed through the system and deliver them to their adoptive families in Chicago.  I had a letter with the names of the receiving families and the name of the agency they were being adopted through.  This man just listened and then smiled and said....."Tell you what.....You and I can go to dinner tonight and see what develops and then we can discuss your request to fly with these kids".  Now I had prayed before I went to this meeting and I believe the Lord gave me my response......"Thank you for the kind offer but I cannot leave these children.......if I could then they would not need an escort to America, would they?" He laughed and said, "Touche.....good answer" and he signed the form.  The first hurdle was crossed.

Following this meeting the children and I went to clean up and get ready for dinner.  I had in my care 5 boys and one girl....so when we went to the showers, I sent the boys together and took the girl with me.  The processing center was a part of a military base and so the showers were in a simple enclosed area with a door and walls high enough that no one could look in and a roof over the top.  There was a space between the walls and the roof for light to come in.  The floor was wooden slats that allowed the water to drain through and there were shower spigots spaced several feet apart around this large room. No privacy at all.  We joined all the other women that were taking their showers.  I remember how good it felt because Guam is very humid and the day had been quite stressful.  As we were showering I noticed the women had stopped talking and were trying to cover themselves.  I turned around and was stunned to see a Guamanian soldier had walked into the shower area with a chair and his gun and was sitting down for his own peep show.  I was so shocked I just reacted.  I walked over to him, took his gun and his arm and marched him to the door and threw him outside.  I was so angry.  Then I noted that I was wet and naked and quickly closed the door.  The ladies all gave me a round of applause.  He never returned while I was there.......

The next day we were taken to the airport and transported to Fort Chafee, Arkansas.  I remember the eager anticipation of all the people on that flight.  They were finally going to get to America....their final destination, they thought.  When we arrived, we were picked up by bus and taken to the reception area of the camp.  Each of us was photographed and given a badge with our name and picture on it.  I remember having the young soldier take my photo several times until it looked acceptable on the badge.  We needed to show this for meals, medical check ups and to be able to fly to the final destination.  We then went to find where we would be sleeping and again I was unable to get into a barrack with families and instead was in one with all the helicopter pilots that had been able to fly their helicopters out to freedom, many of which had crashed into the sea.  We each hung blankets between our beds and those of the others and this allowed us to have some sort of privacy as we slept.  

The following days I took the children every place I went.  I felt such a serious responsibility and was definitely out of my comfort zone.  Oswald Chambers writes, "Having the reality of God’s presence is not dependent on our being in a particular circumstance or place, but is only dependent on our determination to keep the Lord before us continually. Our problems arise when we refuse to place our trust in the reality of His presence....once we are grounded on the truth of the reality of God’s presence, not just a simple awareness of it, but an understanding of the reality of it. Then we will exclaim, “He has been here all the time!”"  Through the next week as we lived in the camp and worked toward getting to Chicago I found that God was with us throughout all of the events of each day.

Obedience at all times

http://utmost.org/the-submission-of-the-believer

At times God places people in our paths to say things that we that we need to hear but are not listening. It is interesting how God uses people to awaken us when we are walking away.  This is a difficult story to relate because it reveals how destructive some choices can be in our lives.....and God's grace protects us at times by direct intervention of other people as this story will relate.  I hope it is a challenge to listen when someone gives you a warning and also to be willing to speak to others when they are in a potentially destructive situation.

As I read this devotional I reflected on several people who have challenged my dangerous behavior and I believe were present in my life by God's design to continually call me back to Him and to protect me from my recklessness.  One person I'm thinking of is Sherry Heuber.....a dear friend and suite mate from Vietnam days.

Sherry had lived in Vietnam before I came to work at Hoa Khanh Children's Hospital  She had lived in a house in Hue, a city to the north of Danang.  She had been there for a year, I believe, working in community development with a ladies program.  She returned to the USA when her contract was finished and did not plan to return.  Yet she was called back to work as the dietitian in the hospital kitchen at the Children's Hospital and it was there we became friends.  She seemed to me to be so wise and self assured and I was feeling a need to keep up a bravado to hide my feelings of inadequacy and ignorance.  She was also there, I believe, to keep me from making some very serious and dangerous choices.

One day I was talking to her about an invitation I had to ride in a US Tank convoy from Danang to Hue.  This meant having to travel up a very risky mountain pass, the Hai Van Pass.....This pass was named for the mists that rise from the sea and reduce visibility.  While I was there, we would travel the road and there were many accidents that occurred due to the hair pin curves at some areas with a sharp drop off on the side.  This was certainly not a wise place to go with a convoy of military when I was a civilian and had no real need to travel the road at that time.  I just thought this would be fun.....and I was very surprised at her immediate reaction......she said....."You cannot go!"  I thought she might want to go with me....so her response was surprising and quite frankly....disappointing.  

All of us at the hospital had opportunities to take a flight on Medivac Helicopters.  The pilots would come when they had a break and land at the hospital and we could go for a ride with them.....this was common and also a lot of fun.  We could fly over the bay and up the coast a little....and it was a great way to relax after the long hours that we worked.  So at that time I didn't see the difference between the helicopter rides and a tank ride.  Now, I certainly can see the difference but I was 24 years old and was not really looking at the real possibilities of a huge problem on the road due to the war.  Sherry went on to explain to me that I was in Vietnam with a job to do....to work as a nurse at the hospital and it was totally inappropriate for me to go for a joy ride and such an unsafe ride.....and although I was angry, I knew she was right.  I declined the ride and went back to where I was supposed to be.  I believe God protected me that day because Sherry spoke up so strongly....not her normal behavior.  

After Sherry left Vietnam and before I moved, I did have an opportunity to ride in a tank with a Vietnamese driver......and accepted that offer.  It was about midnight......past curfew but I thought in a tank, no problem.  Well this driver went so very fast and so far and quite honestly, I was frightened that he might not take me back to the hospital and no one knew I had gone.  Thankfully he did take me back but I realize as I reflect back that I was not retaining the lessons I was being taught by someone so much wiser than me.  Still, God protected me......even though I was walking far away from Him.

Again, after I left the Children's hospital in 1973, I traveled with a friend to Europe.  Sherry was married by then and her husband, Rob, was a pilot in Germany.  I went to visit them and stayed for some time with her.  It was wonderful being able to renew the friendship and see her so happy in her new life.  

As I have said before, I was not walking with the Lord at all at this time......I was willfully doing my own thing and only if I got into a difficult situation would I call on the Lord and plead for His help to save me.  I really had turned my back on all that I had learned as a child being raised in a Christian home with parents that did their best to teach us how to live a godly life.  So when I arrived in Germany, I was ready for whatever was fun......and when you are looking for this, it will be available to you.  

Sherry and Rob had a party to introduce me to several of their friends in the military housing.  We had a good time and it allowed me to meet those that were important in their lives then.  There was one man who came to the party and his wife was in the USA visiting family.  He was interesting to talk to and amusing.  At the end of the evening he said that he was going to take his motorcycle and drive to Holland over the long weekend and asked me to go.  I told Sherry that he had offered this and I wanted to go....I'd be back late Sunday night.  And this is why I speak of my ignorance......Again, Sherry was direct and rather harsh with me.  She said, "Margaret, he is married!!!"  "You cannot go on this adventure".  "What are you thinking????"  I immediately felt ashamed......Now I want to say in my defense that I was thinking of a fun motorcycle ride to countries I where I had never traveled but not thinking about the fact he was married and we would have several overnights on the trip.  She then said, "If you were his wife, what would you think?"  I went back to him and told him I couldn't go......it wasn't appropriate.  He said he understood.

I tell these stories not because I am proud of my choices in those days.  I am smarter than I was acting and was not looking at anything beyond the next few moments or hours or days.......I truly believe that God brought Sherry into my life for the building up of each other......and for her to be the good friend to me and speak the truth in love.....when I was making terrible choices.    

Oswald Chambers speaks of this:  "Our Lord never insists on having authority over us. He never says, “You will submit to me.” No, He leaves us perfectly free to choose.....It is simply the unworthiness within me that refuses to bow down or to submit to one who is worthy....When I meet someone who is more holy than myself.......God teaches us by using these people who are a little better than we are; not better intellectually, but more holy. And He continues to do so until we willingly submit. Then the whole attitude of our life is one of obedience to Him.  Now it still took several months for me to come face to face with God at that conference, but He was protecting me and preparing me for that encounter, I believe.  "If our Lord insisted on our obedience, He would simply become a taskmaster and cease to have any real authority. He never insists on obedience, but when we truly see Him we will instantly obey Him. Then He is easily Lord of our life, and we live in adoration of Him from morning till night. 

The Mystery of a Changing Heart.

http://utmost.org/the-mystery-of-believing

The reading today reminds me of my dear friend in Thailand, Nu.  She was our helper in our home and became an older sister to our kids and a friend to us.  We had a wonderful time when she was in our lives.  

We first met Nu when her sister who worked for a friend of ours and knew we did not have a helper any longer, brought her to our door to interview.  Nu was so shy and her sister had to translate most everything.  She could not speak much English that day.  She had worked for a Chinese family for many years and spoke their language.....but had not had any reason to learn English.  

When she came to our home we had friends staying with us.  They had adopted a child from Latin America and were in the process of adopting another girl from Vietnam.  While they were awaiting the final papers, they were staying with us.  So Nu came to work at our home with the five Trumans and four Koops.  A full house.  And she was amazing from the first day.  She quietly went about doing her work, never complaining at the fact she was helping nine people, a cat, birds and turtles.  She was such a blessing to us.

Over the years Nu became a house manager really.  She would make sure that everything was ready since we were such a busy household.....she set the menus, made sure there was sufficient food for the many guests we had and set up for the women's group that met in our home weekly.  She set up the chairs, made snacks just in case those who agreed to bring snacks forgot, prepared the drinks, refilled things as they became empty and when they all went home, she cleaned everything up and all this with a smile on her face.    She also became known in our community of Nichada Thani as an amazing baker.  After all her other chores, she would spend hours with a baking business she set up....making cakes, cookies and eventually entrees to sell in the community.  I personally think people loved coming to our home for many reasons but Nu's baking was a huge draw.

The women's group I mentioned was a Bible Study set up for the women in the community.  Most of the foreign women living in Thailand had left jobs outside of the home to follow their husbands there.  With the adjustment to a new culture and a loss of their own work, many came to study the Bible and for the support.  We called this group, Encouraging Women.  This group stared with about 20 women and by the time we moved, was having 70 attend regularly.  

The Lord placed on my heart to reach out to limited English speakers so we started an ESL Bible Study class at Encouraging Women.  This class would take a story of Jesus' teaching, read it and answer a few simple questions......always ending with 'What did I learn today?'.  This class grew to about 15 and included Thai, Korean, Japanese, French and Taiwanese women.  We talked about how I understood their intent was to learn English and I was happy to help with that but I had another purpose and that was for them to learn about Jesus.  We were very open about these agendas.  

In order for Nu to be able to hear about the Lord as her English proficiency improved, I had this class meet in the kitchen each week.  Some days Nu would quietly stand around and listen, and other times she would go to her room which was off the kitchen and leave her door open a little.  Our whole family prayed for her to come to know the Lord before we left Thailand.

One Christmas Craig Pansing, a friend of Justin, our second son, came to visit.  Justin and Craig had met each other in Kindergarten and went to school through half of second grade together in Claremont California.  They were good friends and we were friends with his parents as well.  When we moved, they stayed in contact.  When Jeremy had his accident, Justin went to stay with their family for part of the summer to give him a break from the intensity of ICU and the beginnings of rehabilitation.  So when we returned to Thailand, Craig wanted to come and see what it was like.  

We decided to take a trip to Chiang Mai in Northern Thailand for him to see the differences of the hill tribe areas and Bangkok where we lived.  Nu came with us for a break for her too.  We went to see a famous Buddhist temple Doi Su Thep and it was there that we watched Nu preform the rituals of the Buddhist religion.  She went to one place and took a bamboo container with what looked like chopsticks in it with writing on them.  What you do is shake the container as you kneel down in front of the Buddha and one chopstick will begin to move out of the container.  When this one is clearly separated, you read this to know your fortune.  When Nu did this the first time, one stick came out and she looked concerned.  She repeated it and two sticks fell out onto the ground and she looked very distressed....got up and left the site.  I walked with her and asked her what this all meant.  She said the first was not good but the second that fell out with two chopsticks was very bad.  She was visably shaken......and I put my arm around her and told her that she did not need to have this guide her life......God is waiting for her and He is the one who holds her life in His hands.  She was quiet and so I stopped talking too.  I just prayed that God would reveal Himself to her to take away her fear......

Several years later my Mom fell and broke her hip.  I went to the USA to be with her for an extended time of about 4 months.  After she died I returned to Thailand and was so surprised that Nu had become a Christian, was attending the Thai Church and was so content.  I asked her what had happened.  Was it what she had heard all those years with the English as a Second Language (ESL) Bible Studies in the kitchen......."No"......so what was it?  She said, I just decided to follow Jesus.  We were so happy.  She became a vocal part of the ESL classes......did not seem at all shy meeting with business women and everyone accepted her wholeheartedly.  It was wonderful.  She even asked if she could host the Thai Church at our home when it needed a new location.  We were very happy to have her do this.  It was wonderful.  Oswald Chambers writes: "Many people begin coming to God once they stop being religious, because there is only one master of the human heart— Jesus Christ, not religion." Nu made it very clear that she had thought about all she had heard and had made her own decision to follow Jesus......it was not something I had done but was her following the leading of the Holy Spirit in her heart.  "...whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God."  John 3:21

Being Willing To Do Anything......Even Speak Out

http://utmost.org/the-miracle-of-belief

I believe that many times we are swayed by the eloquence of people's words......we allow them to think for us and present thoughts that we embrace because we trust that person and love the beauty of their words.  Therefore, if we aren't eloquent, we don't believe we should be speaking to people about something as important as the Gospel of Jesus......for fear we will not say things well and therefore do more damage than good.  This was how I felt......

I have always loved to talk......been a downfall for me for my entire childhood.....and got me into lots of problems growing up.  I have always admired people who can get up in front and speak well and influence others....and me......and it was a surprise for me to be asked to speak to a group of women.

In 1995, we had been back in Thailand for about a year after our son, Jeremy, finished rehabilitation following a terrible automobile accident.  The woman that was heading up Christian Women's Club was the South African Ambassador's wife, Corlia Goris.  She came and said that it was time for me to talk about the accident and following months and how God was apparent in the difficulties of that time.  This was a way of sharing with others who will also face terrible events in their lives and to remember God is with you through it all......  She would not take no for an answer and set up a time for me to speak at her home.  I remember it all so clearly.......the difficulty of getting the words to flow and not become emotional as I related the events.  But I know that God had His hand in that time and I was able to speak openly and honestly about all my emotions and learning........and I figured my speaking days were over.......  I do recall that I had told God that if anyone else wanted me to speak and if He gave me the words, I would share what I was learning.  

One of the women, Julie McDorman, who had attended that meeting was moved to Malaysia and contacted me to come and speak at a women's conference.   So what do you do when you make a promise to God and then need to follow through.  I told her I would pray about it......and get back to her.  It had been several years since I had spoken and yet the promise I had made was clearly recalled to me.  Here is the problem though.  Telling the story about our son's accident the the year of rehabilitation was one 40 minute speech.....she was asking for a speech on Friday evening, once on Saturday and Sunday......I knew very clearly that I was incapable of this....and so I began to pray.  She said I could choose the topic of the conference......so I didn't even have direction on what they wanted......

After a lot of prayer I finally agreed to speak.  This meeting was at the end of September or early October.  I had plenty of time to prepare......but my own sense of inadequacy was real.  So what do you do?  You pray and read and pray and read and finally I thought of speaking on "Salt and Light".  This comes from the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus says, "You are the salt of the earth....You are the light of the world".  So I researched this, listened to sermons on this topic, read lots of excerpts about this......found wonderful examples to be used of people who have been salt and light.....where they are......and Bryan even helped me find music that could be played at the end of the sessions to help bring focus even more on the topic.  I was getting ready......

And then I got a call from the USA....from my family, reporting that my mother had fallen an broken her hip.....and was not doing well.  She was 84 at this time......and I had to go to see her.......so my focus changed to how to help her and all the stress that this type of situation brings on families.......  I had the perfect out from this conference but it was only a few weeks away and there was no way someone else could come and take my place.......and besides....I had promised to share when asked to....so I called Julie and told her I was in California but would come back for the conference.  

Here is my point......I'm not a great speaker......I'm maybe adequate......but God doesn't want us to try to sway people by our gift of great oration......He does not want us to be the focus of attention......but for the focus to be on Him......and that is why He works best with those of us that are well aware of our limitations and are being asked to be stretched......He is then there in the stretching.......He gives the words......and opens people's ears to hear what He is saying to them.......and I believe that the conference was good for those there.....not because of me......but because I was willing to let go and let God speak through me...... I must say that I enjoyed myself after the second session......became less afraid I'd mess things up......and just relaxed into the time.  

After that conference I had another opportunity to share in Thailand at a shorter conference.  I didn't know how it was received until we were just in Thailand and met a woman that was at that conference.  She said, I remember you......because what you shared from your heart.......the things you said have been an encouragement to me for many years.  That is clearly not me......and I'm thankful.....

Getting our attention in Guam

http://utmost.org/the-concept-of-divine-control

There have been many times in my life that I have wondered where God is in the circumstances that I find myself.  Now these were not the times when I was not following Him, or had no desire for Him to have any say in my life......at those times I just wanted what I wanted and it was all about me.......  But the time I want to reflect on with this devotional is when I was seeking with all my heart to follow God and yet there were desires that would not be quiet in my heart.  

I previously wrote about wanting to have children and talking to God about that one night in Pleiku, Vietnam.  How God answered my prayer with the gift of triplets from a frightened young tribal woman.....and how I knew that it was a testimony for her to keep those babies and raise them in the village, trusting God to protect the village and her.  But there was a second part to that prayer.....I was pleading with God to give me a husband and knew full well that in Pleiku in 1974.....that would take a miracle.....

After I left Vietnam with Operation Babylift to Australia......I was searching for a way to get home without having to ask my parents for money for the ticket.  They would have gladly given it....but I was determined to be independent and find my own way......I could not get a job in Australia......and this is where I believe God's hand evident in my day to day living......here is how I remember things....

When I was not able to find a job, I was praying and looking daily at the newspaper job listings.  One of the nurses with whom I had traveled to Australia called and said that she had found a job on a cruise ship and would be leaving but saw a listing in another paper for someone to go to Guam....where the refugees were being brought and put in a refugee camp to keep safe until they could be resettled in new countries.  There was an ad for a person to go to the Island of Guam in the Pacific Ocean and take a list of Vietnamese names of families of students studying in Australia when the change of government took place in Vietnam on May 1, 1975.  If the families were able to escape, then the students wanted to get in touch with them and see how they could reunite.  The gentleman wanted to extend the price of a ticket to Guam in exchange for work finding these families.

Now you need to know that in Vietnam there were not many last names.....many peoples middle name was either 'Van' or 'Thi' which indicates male or female and then the first name.  Also, in order to fool the spirits to not come after the children, the name of the first child would frequently be #2.....so a common last name followed by male or female and then a number.......this was going to be very difficult.  To add to the problem in many cases people counted birthdays by January 1st being one year old for a baby so if the child was born in January or July or December, they were all going to be listed as one year old on the next January 1st.  I just looked at this as an answer to prayer to get me back into the northern hemisphere.....and back with the Vietnamese people......

I called the man and told him I would be ready to go immediately.  We met and he asked me about my history and I told him.  He was a man who was planning to run for public office and I believe he was going to use this assistance to further his cause.......I personally didn't care....he had an agenda and so did I......but one thing happened one night that has stayed with me over the years......after we had dinner he asked me one question.......and I couldn't answer.  He said, "You lived as a missionary and yet all the interactions we have had, never once have you asked me if I believe in God.....Why is that?" I was so ashamed.....and all I could reply was....."Are you?".  He said it didn't matter now......but it did.

The next day we met at the airport and he came with more than 100 Vietnamese students.  They were all pleading with me to find their families or they would just try to get back to Vietnam regardless of the cost to their futures.....they just wanted to be with their families.  I felt such a weight of responsibility for them.......   Then I took a look at my ticket and was shocked.....this ticket only took me as far as Manila, Philippines......so I said to the man......this isn't what you promised.....you said a ticket to Guam but this is only to Manila....and he looked me in the face and said,  "You are an attractive woman....I'm sure you can figure out something with the US military that flies there daily".  "Take it or leave it".  I took it.

When I arrived in Manila I immediately got in touch with the Christian and Missionary Alliance missionaries there.  I told them of my mission and my plight to find a ticket to Guam.  They suggested that I contact Wycliff Bible Translators there that were looking for tribes people to assist in the completion of the translations of the Bible in their languages.  I readily agreed.  I knew that I could recognize their names since I had lived in the central highlands for the past 15 months.  They also got hold of the missionaries that were already in Guam assisting with the refugees there.....and what a surprise....these were all missionaries that I knew......in fact, Gail Fleming was there and he had been the head of the station I had lived at in Pleiku......he was there with his wife, Irene.  She had been such a good friend in Pleiku.....

Upon arrival to Guam, I was not even through customs when Gail came to me and welcomed me.  It was so comforting......then he said, "We have found the perfect man for you".  Let me explain.....  While living in Pleiku, every time a man would come through that was tall enough......the criteria they had....and not married.....the missionaries would call me to their homes to 'help them with something' and there would be sitting a young man.....and frankly, it was embarrassing.  Penny Hall was the most intent in finding me a spouse......a good heart but really uncomfortable......so to have Gail tell me they had found me the perfect man.....I was shocked......and not looking forward to meeting this guy.  

The missionaries had been given a place to stay.....all together......and they worked in shifts so the ones working at the ships that were coming in with refugees during the night would sleep in the beds during the day and the ones working during the day, slept there at night.  It was rather overwhelming....and I knew I had to find a place to stay for myself.  Everything was just in a crisis mode at this time....

Late that night.....actually about 5:30 in the morning, Gail and Irene took me to one of the ships with them.  They wanted me to meet this young man.......I wanted to see what was happening and how I could help......I must tell you, it was amazing.  The ship would dock.....the refugees would begin to disembark and were told to fill out arrival forms......to discard any food items they had brought and stay in line.  Now let's start with the forms.......last name first then first name and middle name......so how do you fill this out when you normally say your name.....last name, middle name, first name....as the Vietnamese did.  Do you continue to leave the last name first for follow the instructions and put the first name as the last name since you write that last?????  Confusion reigned......and this would impact my ability to fulfill my mission to help families be reunited with their children studying in Australia.  

It was a really good thing that the missionaries.....all who were fluent in Vietnamese....were there to help the arrivees.  Not only could they help with filling out the forms, they could help the refugees to know what food needed to be discarded and what could be kept.....and they helped church groups to find each other.  I know that it was comforting for the refugees to meet people that spoke their language.  This was a very stressful time for these people who had fled their country....fearing for their lives.....thought they had arrived in America......and were taken to a refugee camp of 48,000 other refugees and would wait for months to be relocated.  

The next day I was taken to a hospital with two of the missionaries who were also nurses.  I applied for a job there.....which means I showed up and offered to help.....and was 'hired' by the American Red Cross......they paid me with a room to stay and a car to drive to an from work.  I could eat in the community mess hall.  This worked for me.  I was also given a name badge that said I was Red Cross and then I saw my job......not nurse as I had thought.......no....translator......hmmmmmm....  I had spent the last 15 months with the tribes people and spoke some Jarai.....and my Vietnamese was really limited to medical words as the nurses at Hoa Khanh Children's Hospital all spoke pretty good English.  I talked to the missionaries about it and explained to the head nurse and she said.....not to worry....just come for 8 hours and help.  I did.  

In the afternoons I would go to the immigration center and look through the thousands of names and try to match up names from the lists I had been given at the airport in Australia.......it was daunting and not successful.........I sent several lists of names that I had found to the man in Australia but there was absolutely no way for me to find these people to see if they were the right match and, of course, no way for the students to reach their families there at the camp either.  Finally the man came to Guam and I met with him and he was really angry at my inability to do the job......I took him to the immigration area and asked him to tell me how to do this better......he never contacted me after that.  

But this reading today is about how God answers our prayers in His timing and His way.....because He is always aware of what we need......and is trustworthy......Oswald Chambers says, "Not even the smallest detail of life happens unless God’s will is behind it. Therefore, you can rest in perfect confidence in Him. Prayer is not only asking, but is an attitude of the mind which produces the atmosphere in which asking is perfectly natural. “Ask, and it will be given to you . . .” (Matthew 7:7)."  I had been praying for God to show me my life partner to bring us together.....and it was at the refugee ships.....in Guam......at 5:30AM that I first met Bryan, my husband.  

Bryan is quite an interesting man.  He learned Vietnamese while he was in the Army and was sent to Vietnam as a linguist with the service.  After his time of duty was up, he returned to Illinois and resumed school.  It was there that he also felt this amazing call to return to Vietnam in April of 1975 and so was in Guam in May.  Sometime I will share his story.....but right now this is about this reading.  Because he was so fluent in the language, and attended a Christian and Missionary Alliance Church in Illinois, he worked with the missionaries at the refugee ships and later in the camp.  This was how we met......and although we worked in different areas, we would eat together at night with all the missionaries.  When they could, the missionaries put us together in the darkest corner of a restaurant and smile benignly as we became interested in each other.  

Bryan tells it that he had heard about this single lady missionary coming that he might like.....and he says he expected a bun at the nape of my neck, black dress, old lady shoes and a dour expression...with a Bible under my arm.  Now I'm not sure why he thought that because the missionaries telling him about me were not dressed like that and not dour at all......but he says he was so surprised when I met him at the ship.....and had rings on each finger, hair to my waist, a shirt with a peace sign and bell bottom jeans......and he thought.....ok.....ok.....ok.....

We worked together for about two months in Guam and he had to leave......he had 6 orphans that needed to be transported to their adoptive parents in Chicago.....and I took them through the refugee camp system.....and this is another story for sure.......but we did work together in Chicago resettling refugees there for months......and at Christmas Bryan came to California where I had returned and asked me to marry him.  We were married the next May......

I absolutely believe that God led both of us to be in Guam at that time.....our love of the Vietnamese people was such a foundation for us.....a similar background.....and throughout the years as we have moved around the world......and gone through many difficult times.......as Oswald Chambers wrote, "Fill your mind with the thought that God is there. And once your mind is truly filled with that thought, when you experience difficulties it will be as easy as breathing for you to remember, “My heavenly Father knows all about this!”