When facing great difficulty, one of the ways I have found to get through it is to look for the end.....to see how soon I can get out of the circumstances and get my feet back on solid ground. Of course I live during the difficult time but my eyes are always on the goal of returning to "normal". When I was in Vietnam and it was difficult, I would know that I had X number of months and therefore could survive the difficulty.....because the end was in sight......distant at times but still I knew it was going to be coming within a certain timing...... With the need for Jeremy to have intensive medical care and months of rehabilitation.....the certainty of an end date was not there.
I remember sitting at Jeremy's bedside for hours watching the monitors and leaving Bryan to care for the other two children. I am fully aware now that I was abandoning the other children but I had this odd belief that if I just stayed at this bedside, Jeremy would not die. No sense in this but that was my core belief at that time. I am sure that my constant presence was difficult for the nurses and doctors but they were gracious and very protective of our family. Then a social worker came to talk to me the day after the accident to try to get us to begin making plans for an extended stay in the San Diego area. Now I saw Jeremy on the respirator.....not responding.....with the doctors not giving a positive prognosis......but somehow when this woman came with the idea of our not returning to Thailand on July 29th.....well I couldn't deal with that. I remember telling her that we lived in Thailand and would be flying back at the end of July.....she would again say that we needed to make longer term plans to remain in this area....begin looking for schools for Amanda and Justin......and I would again refuse to listen. Finally I told her that IF Jeremy was not able to get on the plane by July 29th, then we could talk. Seemed so reasonable to me.....it was the hope that kept me able to keep everything together......she just walked away and never came back to help me again....Poor dear. Bryan was more able to see reality and he began to look for alternatives to living in the waiting room......and this kept the other two children occupied too.
Before long we began to see the result of the pressure on Justin and Amanda. Justin was angry and hurting. After all, he had been with Jeremy, seen everything and been nearly hit by the truck also. Amanda became the ultimate helper. She hid from us how this was all affecting her at such a young age. We spoke to a psychiatrist at the hospital and he recommended that we move both of the children to another living situation for a time and allow them a break from the uncertainty and pressure. He also said that it was important for them to know that this was not their decision but ours as parents. We spoke to friends in the Los Angeles area, the Pansings who took Justin for two weeks and McGuinness's where Amanda had been in childcare before agreed to care for her. I remember clearly when we spoke to the children about their 'vacation' from the hospital. Justin asked, "What if I don't want to go.....can I make that choice?" I told him that this was our decision as parents and he needed to just go. His response was surprising, He smiled and said, "Yes!!" I think he was just overwhelmed with all the responsibility he was feeling and now going to be relieved from a huge decision. He turned and left. Amanda did not feel supported at all by this decision.....and it was very difficult for her to be away from us and Jeremy.
Over the next days we continued to pray and watch Jeremy make no progress it seemed. Many friends came or called from around the world and we heard of people we didn't even know praying and asking their churches to pray for Jeremy's recovery. It was so supportive and at times overwhelming for me. The telephone operators at the hospital would call or hold calls depending on how we were doing. I remember finally asking that they take messages and not put calls through one afternoon and a few minutes later the phone rang in the ICU room and the operator said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I think you might want take this call.....it is from some place called Cambodia". Bryan was working for World Vision International at that time as the regional director for Indochina and Burma and the director from Cambodia was calling to give support.
This was also a time when loved ones trying to make sense of this tragedy would call and many times say things that were not helpful nor encouraging. My mom called three days in a row to tell me that she and one of my sisters wanted to let me know that if I had just prayed the right words that day before Jeremy and Justin went out, the accident would have been avoided. What I clearly heard was...I was to blame for the accident. Now this does not make sense.....and for two of the days I just let it go and ended the call.....but by the third day I remember saying......"Look, if God is sovereign He could have prevented that truck from hitting Jeremy....but He didn't......so if you have a problem with this......take it up with God.....". Oswald Chambers writes, "Clouds are the sorrows, sufferings, or providential circumstances, within or without our personal lives, which actually seem to contradict the sovereignty of God. Yet it is through these very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were never any clouds in our lives, we would have no faith."
Jeremy was in the hospital for 90 days. 14 days on a respirator then he was ex-tubated and had 3 more days before he spoke or seemed to be at all aware of his surroundings. While he was on the respirator we would sometimes play 'thumb wars' with Jeremy before he would respond to other stimuli. We would take his hand and begin the counting, "One-two-three-four, I declare a thumb war". And although Jeremy would not respond to any other stimulus, he would not only begin to respond to the thumb wars but also cheat and use his index finger to make sure he won....... The doctors could not explain this response......It was the 17th day after the accident we were getting ready to go for the night. I said goodnight to Jeremy and as always, "I love you". The nurse and Bryan were standing right beside the bed and Jeremy whispered, "I love you too." We wouldn't believe it. It was a little like the movies. We asked him, "What is your name?" He responded, "J-e-r-e-m-y" as he spelled his name. He did the same for Justin, Amanda and Dad and then became too tired to talk any longer. He didn't speak again for several days but we finally knew that he was beginning to show significant recovery. We were thrilled.
For the weeks to follow we watched as Jeremy began to make measurable changes. He would lay in the bed and mumble first numbers....."1-2-3......1-2-3" over and over and later he would be at "4-5-6" over and over and if we added "7" he would pause and return to "4-5-6". Next came letters...."A-B-C.....A-B-C".....later, "M-N-O" over and over....and the staff told us this was him reorganizing his brain..... It was amazing to watch and allowed us to focus less on the difficulties and more on the improvements...small as they were.
Oswald Chambers continues, "It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something. His purpose in using the cloud is to simplify our beliefs until our relationship with Him is exactly like that of a child ....and where other people are but shadows." We resisted when Jeremy was suddenly moved from the high tech area of ICU to the oldest part of the hospital.....rehabilitation......but could not change this move. We then held on to the rehab staff and what they had to teach us to be prepared for the changes that would be coming in Jeremy....and to the other families that were in Jeremy's room.....who's children had also been involved in accidents and were also significantly injured. But above this was a desperate need to hold on to God.....to trust Him to heal Jeremy and to hold us during this terrible time. I do not know how we would have survived without a deep belief in the sovereignty of God during this. I am thankful that we already had been through difficulties and found that He is faithful and will carry us through.....
Finally, Oswald Chambers writes, "There is a connection between the strange providential circumstances allowed by God and what we know of Him, and we have to learn to interpret the mysteries of life in the light of our knowledge of God. Until we can come face to face with the deepest, darkest fact of life without damaging our view of God’s character, we do not yet know Him."
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