Life Choices

http://utmost.org/i-indeed-but-He

I am writing this blog for my children and grand children.....and I want to be honest and open about the journey God has taken me on to surrender to Him in all things.  Not all the stories I have to relate will show me in the best light.....if fact, it is the ugly things that show the transformation that has occurred over the years and continues each day.....and should be an encouragement to you as walk through your own lives.....falling down over and over isn't the issue.....it's the getting back up, learning, growing and submitting to God from each fall that develops you..

While I was in high school I had a boyfriend, Leigh Twa.  He was a kind young man and loved me dearly.  He was in the Navy and part of my infatuation with him was that he would go overseas for 6 months at a time and I could send him care packages and write long letters.  It fit so well into my romantic personality at that time.

Upon returning from one of his voyages he and several of his friends bought motorcycles.  They then went to Hell's Angels and got permission to start their own club.....'The Caretakers'.  By this time I was in college studying nursing and I loved it on the weekends when he and his friends would come and stay at my parents home and we would ride up and down the coast of California.  Leigh had a beautiful Harely Davidson bike that had been chopped and was very cool looking.  

Interestingly and not surprisingly being in this 'club' began to change the people we hung out with and where we spent our time.  Truthfully, the desire to ride with these guys was changing me because I needed to hide from my parents how I was living and where I would stay at times.  This was very difficult for me because I loved my parents very much but the thrill of the ride was enchanting at the time.  

One weekend we had travelled to San Deigo to hang out and ride.  Leigh was very protective of me and kept watch that I would be safe.  We slept in the garage of one of the members and after breakfast, road to a bar around noon.  When we went into the bar, some of the guys began knocking over tables and intimidating the patrons.  It was like something you would see in a movie.  I went outside and Leigh came with me.  Shortly afterward several of the other members came out and we went to one of their farms in the area.  Everyone began to gravitate to the barn to 'get loaded'.  I sat by the bikes to wait and began reflecting on how I was living......  I liked the time of riding down the roads and having people look at us and seem to notice us.....but this weekend I was sleeping in a garage on the floor and we had just left a bar at noon where the intent had been to intimidate and frighten the people there....and I thought.....What am I doing?  Where is this going to lead?  Why am I seeking such a dangerous lifestyle?  I felt this incredible sense of shame at what was happening in the bar and in the direction of my life.

I remember that my mother used to tell me that in each situation I question whether I should be there, I should ask myself......as a Christian.....is Jesus glad to be with me here?  Am I making Him proud of my choices?  Definitely, the answer that day was......No!!!!

When it was noticed that I was not in the barn with the others, Leigh came to find me.  He was rather disgusted at my not joining in......Since I had ridden to San Deigo with him, I asked him to take me to the bus and I could go home......he wouldn't allow that and took me back to Los Angeles himself.  I never wanted to come to San Deigo and ride with these men again.....in fact, this event caused me such disgust at the direction of my life, it changed the relationship with Leigh and began the decline that eventually ended our relationship.....  

Oswald Chambers writes, "....I indeed am at the end, and I cannot do anything more— but He (God) begins right there— He does the things that no one else can ever do. Am I prepared for His coming? Jesus cannot come and do His work in me as long as there is anything blocking the way, whether it is something good or bad. When He comes to me, am I prepared for Him to drag every wrong thing I have ever done into the light? That is exactly where He comes. Wherever I know I am unclean is where He will put His feet and stand.....Repentance does not cause a sense of sin— it causes a sense of inexpressible unworthiness."

This focus on my behavior was one of the things that caused me to begin looking to where I could serve the Lord....and be away from these influences and the disgusting life I was living at that time.....and although my journey to Vietnam was not wholly to serve Him, it was a factor in my decision....and definitely was going to be a place where God changed me in many ways to be open to His leading.....

Dear children and grand children when you find yourselves in a situation you are needing to hide from your parents.....and you think that you may be able to fool them....this will be true sometimes....but God sees all....and He is the one it is most important to honor with your life.....Remember, everywhere you go and in all you do, you take Jesus with you......so is He proud of what you are choosing?