Lessons from Indonesia

http://utmost.org/learning-about-His-ways

Over the past few days I have been reading Oswald Chambers and finding that I didn't have anything to say nor any story to tell.  I think it was the issues I have been facing here in Soyo, Angola, that were not allowing me to stop and really think....because as I read this daily devotion today I immediately am reminded of how the three facets of this learning apply to when Bryan and I first moved overseas as a married couple.  

I had lived in Vietnam for 3 1/2 years before being evacuated to Australia in 1975.  I had grown as a person and with the Lord during those years and then met Bryan at the refugee ships in Guam, an island in the Pacific Ocean.  The following year we were married and Bryan began working for World Vision International.   During the training we travelled to New Zealand, Australia, Indonesia and Thailand and Bryan had worked for about 3 months overall.  I was looking forward to being assigned to Thailand because we knew people there and it was an easy place to live.  

Bryan came home very excited to tell me that we had been assigned and even before he could say the country I knew it wasn't Thailand but to......Indonesia.  My reaction to this news was less than supportive and Bryan was so excited.....I cried and said I didn't know if I could do this.....After a time, Bryan said that he would tell them we couldn't take that assignment if that is what I wanted....He was the one being supportive to me and I felt ashamed.....we both needed to support each other.....but it was hard to leave and go to a place where things were limited and I would be the only person in the town without a job.....Oswald Chambers writes, "When you obeyed and left all the consequences to God, the Lord went into your city to teach, but as long as you were disobedient, you blocked His way."  All the learning that both Bryan and I gained there would have been lost if I had not been willing to go......

Here are the issues I was facing.......before we were married I had been the one hired.....for my skills and it was up to me to decide if I would take this position.....or not......and now we needed to make a joint decision and my skill set was not even in the consideration.....it was humbling and frustrating for me.  Secondly, I had lived for an extended period in Vietnam......lived with the missionaries and learned culture.....and the language...somewhat.....Bryan had lived for one year on a military base in Vietnam and spoke the language much better than I...he was actually fluent..... but certainly in that year could not have learned much culture.......I was sure.

When we began our time in Indonesia.....during the internship.....I was correcting Bryan's interactions....making him aware of all the cultural things I was noting.....and generally 'taking charge'.  It was ugly and disrespectful but I didn't see it until one night in Bali, Bryan took me aside and said..."This isn't going to work if you don't begin to show me some respect.  You have been overseas longer than I but you need to allow me to learn my way and not try to interfere with my learning."   I must admit, I was shocked.....I was just trying to help......and establish that I had something to offer too, I think.....  Oswald Chamber writes about this...."Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert."  God is teaching us in every aspect of our lives and does not need my help in what He wants someone to learn.......Sadly, my children can attest to the fact that I have not learned this lesson very well regarding the way I want to council them at times.....

The third aspect of this devotional is, " “Wait on the Lord” and He will work (Psalm 37:34). But don’t wait sulking spiritually and feeling sorry for yourself, just because you can’t see one inch in front of you!.....Waiting is not sitting with folded hands doing nothing, but it is learning to do what we are told".  When we arrived in Java, Indonesia, we received our resident visas which read.....for my reason to be in Indonesia.......'ikut swami'.....follow my husband......I had to laugh.....  An in your face recognition that life was going to be different.....and who I was did not really matter to the government.......but did to me.  We moved into the back house of the country director, Gene Daniels and his family in the little town of Batu, East Java.  We stayed there for several months and then moved to our own home in the town of Malang...about 20 minutes down the mountain and much nearer the office.  Bryan's job was Relief and Development Directior for all 17,508 islands that make up Indonesia.  Approximately 6000 of these islands are inhabited.  He began travelling to the 6 major ones and was gone between 50-70% of the time.....so I had more than enough time to learn language, read, listen to music and learn to be alone.  I took up needlework to fill my days and to have something to put on our walls.  It was enjoyable and rewarding.  I knew that I could not spend my days waiting for something to happen and so spent a lot of enjoyable time with our house helper who helped me with my language study.  Was it difficult at times?  Absolutely!......but I learned to love Indonesia and the people and the time Bryan and I had together was encouraging and supporting each other....Before long there were other foreign wives who moved to Malang and it became easier when Bryan was gone for extended periods.

After two years we moved to Jakarta, the capital and there were many other wives there that had no job either.  Because I had learned a significant amount of Indonesia, I was able to find a job with the American Women's Club Registry for House Helpers.  This was very important for me.....even though it was volunteer.....my language ability had value that was recognized.  

Both of our sons were born in Jakarta and we grew to love the country and people even more.  It was very difficult when we were moved back to the United States and it made me smile to remember my resistance to move there in the first place.....As I reflect back on my journey I am becoming aware of the seasons of my life....the times that are busy and the times of quiet.....and I am thankful I have had both.....and found contentment most of the time.  

The Discipline of Language Study

http://utmost.org/becoming-entirely-His

The first paragraph of this reading is not hard to understand.  "Many of us appear to be all right in general, but there are still some areas in which we are careless and lazy; it is not a matter of sin, but the remnants of our carnal life that tend to make us careless"...."We should have no carelessness about us either in the way we worship God, or even in the way we eat and drink."  Anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder knows that the issue is something you come back to over and over......because it is a daily need.....to eat....but also a daily struggle....not to over eat.  So I was thinking that this would be a straight forward reading today....but Oswald Chambers is rarely easy to understand or simple for me......

Many times in our marriage Bryan and I have needed to learn a new language because we lived in a new country.  For Bryan it is rather easy for him.....the language acquisition portion of his brain is wide open and he learns quickly.....for me it is a greater challenge.....perhaps because I lack discipline.....  First it was Vietnamese, then Jarai, then Indonesian....which, by the way, was the easiest and quite closely related to the Jarai language from the highlands of Vietnam.....and then we moved to the Philippines and I was fooled.....I thought that since I had learned some Spanish in High School, I would fly through Tagalog since it has obvious similarities....  Instead I learned that Tagalog is an incredibly difficult language.....with prefixes and suffixes to many words......and to add to the discipline difficulty, most everyone spoke English in Manila so the impetus to learn was diminished.....  Finally we lived in Thailand and I learned enough Thai to be able to get around in the market and hold a very basic conversation.....

When Bryan and I were in Indonesia, he had to speak at a dinner with many staff and he chose to speak in Indonesian rather than have a translator.  I was pregnant with our first child, Jeremy.  Bryan got up and began to say who he was and what his job was.  Then he introduced me as his wife and that I was a nurse.  Everyone started laughing almost hysterically and Bryan had no idea what he had said.  Finally someone told him that instead of using the word 'Perawat' which means nurse, he had used the word 'Perawan' which means virgin.  And as I stood to greet everyone with my pregnancy quite advanced, this brought down the house with laughter......

So why am I telling you this.....first it is an amusing story and a reminder that we have many times when we learn something new that we are like a child.....making many mistakes but usually being treated with amusement and kindness by those around us......and now we are in Soyo.....needing to learn Portuguese.....and finding the discipline of language study a chore that I have not been committed to.  And now I am in my home with a cast on my leg.....and have a young Angolan girl coming to help me with the household needs....and she doesn't speak English and after 7 months, I don't speak Portuguese and I know clearly that although this is a simple example of being brought back to the need for discipline in my life.....it is a lesson I struggle with over and over......and so I am now housebound with the cast and have a real need to be able to speak to this girl.....and so have started with the language tapes again.....Oswald Chamber writes, "God will bring us back in countless ways to the same point over and over again. And He never tires of bringing us back to that one point until we learn the lesson, because His purpose is to produce the finished product."

Disillusionment.....Vietnam

http://utmost.org/the-teaching-of-disillusionment

The reading today is about disillusionment.  Oswald Chambers states, "Disillusionment means having no more misconceptions, false impressions, and false judgments in life; it means being free from these deceptions.  However, though no longer deceived, our experience of disillusionment may actually leave us cynical and overly critical in our judgment of others.  But the disillusionment that comes from God brings us to the point where we see people as they really are, yet without any cynicism or any stinging and bitter criticism."

As I have pondered this reading for several days, there has been one story that comes back to my thinking.  This again is a story that took place in Vietnam.

While I was working at the Children's Hospital outside of Danang during one staff meeting Dr. Long brought to our attention that medications were disappearing from the Pharmacy.  First he wanted to make sure we were signing them out as we should......you see the nurses would go into the pharmacy during the hours when the Pharmacist was not at the hospital....and get the medications that were needed for either the outpatients or the inpatients.  Dr. Long said that he had been noticing a steady loss of antibiotics and thought perhaps the local staff was taking them for a clinic they might have in their home.  This was a normal outreach in the community by medically trained staff but it was not acceptable to take medications or supplies from the hospital for a private clinic.  During this meeting there was discussion as to which of the staff it was believed might be taking the medications and how to stop this.

A few days later, Dr. Long called each of the nurses and said that we would need to take one shift at the gate as the staff were leaving to check their bags.  I recall the great anger I felt with this plan and told him that I was hired as a nurse, not a guard......I also said that I believed that if we treated the staff as thieves, they would have a great change in attitude......because at that time, when I knew I was being watched for times of going and coming to my house or the hospital......I set about being as inconsistent as I could be to make sure I was considered even more unacceptable than I believed those watching thought I was......and I figured the local nurses were about my age and would react as I had.....

Since we nurses were not willing to check people's bags, Dr. Long had to take this duty onto himself.  Now several outcomes were seen.  First, several of the nurses came to me in anger and said, "I have never stolen from the hospital but now I will start and just try to see how I do it."  It took some time to be able to deescalate the situation.  This also caused very hard feelings to be raised with the doctor.  

Here is the issue that was causing all the anger.  We could not run the hospital without the medications.  We were dealing with a Hemorrhagic Fever outbreak at that time and there was only one specific antibiotic to treat it and this was primarily the antibiotic that was disappearing.  The stealing had to stop and how do you do this without finding out who is taking the medications?  Oswald Chambers continues, "Many of the things in life that inflict the greatest injury, grief, or pain, stem from the fact that we suffer from illusions.   We are not true to one another as facts, seeing each other as we really are; we are only true to our misconceived ideas of one another. According to our thinking, everything is either delightful and good, or it is evil, malicious, and cowardly."   We as foreign staff felt a terrible aversion to the idea of having to basically mistrust everyone because of one person.  The local staff were very angry to be lumped in with a thief and not trusted when they were trustworthy and valued the trust.  And the doctor knew that he needed to have medications to treat the children of the area that needed treatment.

It took one day for the thief to be found out.  It was not any of the nurses......it was the pharmacist himself......he was taking the antibiotics putting them in the toes of his shoes and walking them out the gate.  Our doctor found this.  Quite honestly we were all shocked and I think I was the most.  I had even said, "We won't need to check the pharmacist when he leaves because he knows exactly how much medication it takes for each treatment and how hopeless it will be if we don't have enough medications left".  I was wrong......once again......

Oswald Chambers ends this writing with the following, ""Our Lord trusted no one, and never placed His faith in people, yet He was never suspicious or bitter. Our Lord’s confidence in God, and in what God’s grace could do for anyone, was so perfect that He never despaired, never giving up hope for any person. If our trust is placed in human beings, we will end up despairing of everyone."  This type of attitude would spare us so much grief and anger.  

Carrying Us When We Can't Stand.....

http://utmost.org/do-you-see-Jesus-in-your-clouds

When facing great difficulty, one of the ways I have found to get through it is to look for the end.....to see how soon I can get out of the circumstances and get my feet back on solid ground.  Of course I live during the difficult time but my eyes are always on the goal of returning to "normal".  When I was in Vietnam and it was difficult, I would know that I had X number of months and therefore could survive the difficulty.....because the end was in sight......distant at times but still I knew it was going to be coming within a certain timing......  With the need for Jeremy to have intensive medical care and months of rehabilitation.....the certainty of an end date was not there. 

I remember sitting at Jeremy's bedside for hours watching the monitors and leaving Bryan to care for the other two children.  I am fully aware now that I was abandoning the other children but I had this odd belief that if I just stayed at this bedside, Jeremy would not die.  No sense in this but that was my core belief at that time.  I am sure that my constant presence was difficult for the nurses and doctors but they were gracious and very protective of our family.  Then a social worker came to talk to me the day after the accident  to try to get us to begin making plans for an extended stay in the San Diego area.  Now I saw Jeremy on the respirator.....not responding.....with the doctors not giving a positive prognosis......but somehow when this woman came with the idea of our not returning to Thailand  on July 29th.....well I couldn't deal with that.  I remember telling her that we lived in Thailand and would be flying back at the end of July.....she would again say that we needed to make longer term plans to remain in this area....begin looking for schools for Amanda and Justin......and I would again refuse to listen.  Finally I told her that IF Jeremy was not able to get on the plane by July 29th, then we could talk.  Seemed so reasonable to me.....it was the hope that kept me able to keep everything together......she just walked away and never came back to help me again....Poor dear.  Bryan was more able to see reality and he began to look for alternatives to living in the waiting room......and this kept the other two children occupied too.

Before long we began to see the result of the pressure on Justin and Amanda.  Justin was angry and hurting.  After all, he had been with Jeremy, seen everything and been nearly hit by the truck also.  Amanda became the ultimate helper.  She hid from us how this was all affecting her at such a young age.  We spoke to a psychiatrist at the hospital and he recommended that we move both of the children to another living situation for a time and allow them a break from the uncertainty and pressure.  He also said that it was important for them to know that this was not their decision but ours as parents.  We spoke to friends in the Los Angeles area, the Pansings who took Justin for two weeks and McGuinness's where Amanda had been in childcare before agreed to care for her.  I remember clearly when we spoke to the children about their 'vacation' from the hospital.  Justin asked, "What if I don't want to go.....can I make that choice?"  I told him that this was our decision as parents and he needed to just go.  His response was surprising, He smiled and said, "Yes!!"  I think he was just overwhelmed with all the responsibility he was feeling and now going to be relieved from a huge decision.  He turned and left.  Amanda did not feel supported at all by this decision.....and it was very difficult for her to be away from us and Jeremy.

Over the next days we continued to pray and watch Jeremy make no progress it seemed.  Many friends came or called from around the world and we heard of people we didn't even know praying and asking their churches to pray for Jeremy's recovery.  It was so supportive and at times overwhelming for me.  The telephone operators at the hospital would call or hold calls depending on how we were doing.  I remember finally asking that they take messages and not put calls through one afternoon and a few minutes later the phone rang in the ICU room and the operator said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I think you might want take this call.....it is from some place called Cambodia".  Bryan was working for World Vision International at that time as the regional director for Indochina and Burma and the director from Cambodia was calling to give support.

This was also a time when loved ones trying to make sense of this tragedy would call and many times say things that were not helpful nor encouraging.  My mom called three days in a row to tell me that she and one of my sisters wanted to let me know that if I had just prayed the right words that day before Jeremy and Justin went out, the accident would have been avoided.  What I clearly heard was...I was to blame for the accident.  Now this does not make sense.....and for two of the days I just let it go and ended the call.....but by the third day I remember saying......"Look, if God is sovereign He could have prevented that truck from hitting Jeremy....but He didn't......so if you have a problem with this......take it up with God.....".  Oswald Chambers writes, "Clouds are the sorrows, sufferings, or providential circumstances, within or without our personal lives, which actually seem to contradict the sovereignty of God. Yet it is through these very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were never any clouds in our lives, we would have no faith."  

  

Jeremy was in the hospital for 90 days.  14 days on a respirator then he was ex-tubated and had 3 more days before he spoke or seemed to be at all aware of his surroundings. While he was on the respirator we would sometimes play 'thumb wars' with Jeremy before he would respond to other stimuli.  We would take his hand and begin the counting, "One-two-three-four, I declare a thumb war". And although Jeremy would not respond to any other stimulus, he would not only begin to respond to the thumb wars but also cheat and use his index finger to make sure he won....... The doctors could not explain this response......It was the 17th day after the accident we were getting ready to go for the night. I said goodnight to Jeremy and as always, "I love you".  The nurse and Bryan were standing right beside the bed and Jeremy whispered, "I love you too."  We wouldn't believe it.  It was a little like the movies.  We asked him, "What is your name?"  He responded, "J-e-r-e-m-y" as he spelled his name.  He did the same for Justin, Amanda and Dad and then became too tired to talk any longer.   He didn't speak again for several days but we finally knew that he was beginning to show significant recovery.  We were thrilled.  

For the weeks to follow we watched as Jeremy began to make measurable changes.  He would lay in the bed and mumble first numbers....."1-2-3......1-2-3" over and over and later he would be at "4-5-6" over and over and if we added "7" he would pause and return to "4-5-6".  Next came letters...."A-B-C.....A-B-C".....later, "M-N-O" over and over....and the staff told us this was him reorganizing his brain.....  It was amazing to watch and allowed us to focus less on the difficulties and more on the improvements...small as they were.  

Oswald Chambers continues, "It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something. His purpose in using the cloud is to simplify our beliefs until our relationship with Him is exactly like that of a child ....and where other people are but shadows."  We resisted when Jeremy was suddenly moved from the high tech area of ICU to the oldest part of the hospital.....rehabilitation......but could not change this move.  We then held on to the rehab staff and what they had to teach us to be prepared for the changes that would be coming in Jeremy....and to the other families that were in Jeremy's room.....who's children had also been involved in accidents and were also significantly injured.  But above this was a desperate need to hold on to God.....to trust Him to heal Jeremy and to hold us during this terrible time.  I do not know how we would have survived without a deep belief in the sovereignty of God during this.  I am thankful that we already had been through difficulties and found that He is faithful and will carry us through..... 

Finally, Oswald Chambers writes, "There is a connection between the strange providential circumstances allowed by God and what we know of Him, and we have to learn to interpret the mysteries of life in the light of our knowledge of God. Until we can come face to face with the deepest, darkest fact of life without damaging our view of God’s character, we do not yet know Him."

My Goal....Is it the Product or the Process

http://utmost.org/God’s-purpose-or-mine

As soon as I read this entry I reflected back on a very difficult time in our lives.......I have mentioned it before but I believe this is another time to write about it.  It is the time we had a year unexpectedly in San Diego, California.

We were living in Thailand......Amanda had completed 3rd grade, Justin, 6th, and Jeremy was going to enter 9th grade and high school years.......We returned to California to visit family and had plans to go to Maryland where we still owned a home and had close neighbors there with whom the children kept contact.  This was no different from many years when we returned home for a few months during the summer.  

My sister, Barbara, had a timeshare apartment in Carlsbad, California.  She graciously offered for us to use her week there for some time together at the beach.  It was wonderful and we were so looking forward to it.  We had already spent some time in the Los Angeles area visiting friends and family.

We settled into the place and although it was cooler than we had expected, it was wonderful.  We had friends we had known in Indonesia coming to visit us.  After breakfast the boys wanted to go to rent a video at the nearby store.  They were going to borrow the bikes that were available and at the last moment I reminded them to wear a helmet.......if there is no helmet, don't ride.  Off they went....Now it is interesting that I told them to wear the helmets because in Thailand no one wore one.....but I believe that was God's intervention.....

After some time we heard sirens and commented on how amazing it is that fire trucks can go so quickly down the streets.....never would happen in the traffic of Bangkok....and we laughed.  A short while later Justin came back carrying Jeremy's shoes.  He was with a couple we had never met before.  They told us that Jeremy had been hit by a car and the police had sent them with Justin to get us.  Jeremy was going to go to the hospital in an ambulance.  We were stunned.  Justin was silent and crying.  We quickly got into the car with Amanda and Justin and the couple showed us the way back to the accident scene.

When this type of incident occurs you are not really clear in all that is happening.  We arrived at the scene and there was an ambulance, Jeremy was on the other side of the paramedics and his leg was in a splint.....we could not see the rest him.  I got out of the car and began to run to him.....but a policeman stopped me and told me I couldn't go into the accident scene......I should meet him at the hospital.  I told him in no uncertain terms that I was a nurse and would go to see my son but he kept pushing me back and saying that Jeremy was fine.....just a broken leg.....and we needed to go to the hospital.  It was about this moment that I first saw the helicopter on the road......and then the paramedics moved the gurney with Jeremy lying on it toward the helicopter.....and I saw that this policeman was lying to me....Jeremy was seriously injured.....and the paramedics were breathing for him......   

They gave us directions to drive to Children's Hospital of San Diego....and Bryan drove so fast.  It was on the road that I called my mother to ask her to pray for Jeremy.  Also a verse came to my mind from the Bible in Job 13:15 that says:  "Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him".  Did this mean that Jeremy was going to die?  We had no idea.  At the hospital we saw Jeremy from a distance in the Emergency Room just before they took him for hours of surgery. We lived in the ICU waiting room for days.....and then the hospital helped us get into the Ronald McDonald House for a week until we could find a place to live.  

So why am I telling you this story?  For many years I believed that God would bless us if we followed Him closely.....somehow we would be protected from the horrors of life......yet I had learned a few years before that this just isn't true.  We are not protected from bad events......these are a part of life......and living in an imperfect world......   Our purpose is to walk through these terrible times.....continuing to trust God in the process......not just 'holding on' until we get to the goal......whatever that goal might be at that time......Oswald Chambers writes this......"What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself."

While we were waiting for the doctors to finish the hours of surgery and tell us something....Bryan and I prayed and purposed with each other.....now it doesn't make sense to blame each other but when the tensions are high, we tend to do this.....try to find someone to blame.....but we decided that no matter what.....God was in control and He could mend Jeremy and restore him to health.....and we would just trust Him in the process.  Of course, we had no idea what that process would exact from all of us.....but we started it with resolutely stating our belief that God is sovereign over all of this too.  Every day we prayed for Jeremy to awaken from his coma......something like in the movies where he would suddenly just be awake and alert and it will all be over.....all the waiting and watching and hoping and anxiety for his future.   

Oswald Chamber continues...."God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious."

Jeremy had a long road of recovery and God was faithful.  He is now married and has a wonderful daughter.  I find that I recall these days because I want to remember God's faithfulness to all of us during that time and now......it helps me face the next issue......and remember, it is the process, not the product that God is perfecting in me.

Knowledge Through Obedience

http://utmost.org/the-way-to-knowledge

I have worked for a number of years in the area of hospice and palliative care.  This was caring for people in their homes at the end of their lives.  This means working with the families to meet the patients needs as well as family needs.  This is a difficult time for the entire family.  There are times when families that were splintered come back together for the sake of their loved one and make things work together for the good of the patient.  In other families, all the emotions while seeing the decline of their loved one produces so much stress that it sometimes causes the family to splinter.  

I am currently watching Kathy and Glenn Mitchell and their family as they care for Grandmother.  When Bryan, Kathy and Helen, Bryan's youngest sister, were very young, their mother died.  Bryan was only 12 and he was the eldest of this family group.  The family was having great difficulty with the loss and this caused their father to drink even more than he did before.  A school teacher, Ms Anita Bingham was the teacher for Kathy.  She took an interest in the family and tried to help them with the loss.  Over time she became the legal guardian for Kathy.  The kids didn't want to call her Ms. Bingham because she was more involved in the family than that title would suggest......so they called her Grandmother and this stuck..... 

Grandmother is now older and having health issues.  She can no longer live alone and has needed to be moved to an assisted living.  This stress along with other stresses on this family could pull them apart but instead it is drawing them closer together as they care for her and each other.  This is how we should be.....helping and supporting one other.  

When my father died it was very sudden.  He went in for surgery and died shortly afterwards.  There was no warning and no way to prepare for the loss.  All six of us kids reached out to each other and supported our mom and one another.  It was a good time for family unity and appreciation.

Several years later our mother fell and broke her hip.  She had been declining for years but this made it impossible for her to continue to live in her home and be alone for many hours at a time.  There were many decisions that needed to be made about her care, the family home, and the estate.  Instead of this drawing us together as we had been with our father.......supporting and encouraging each other, we had a huge rift that occurred......and I must say I was an active participant is stirring up anger toward those making the decisions.  It became so horrible that one day my son, Justin, came to me and expressed his anguish at what was happening.  I remember him reminding me that we had worked hard over the years to keep the kids close with their aunts, uncles and cousins.  This had required us to travel back to the USA every summer so they could reconnect and have time with them and their grandparents.  Now, he said, "You are destroying this....we cannot hardly look at each other anymore and you need to stop this".  Each family unit was protecting their own....and pulling away from the others......and "we don't want this".  I felt convicted and ashamed...... 

I believe this is what Oswald Chambers is writing about......"Jesus said, “If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). He is saying, in essence, “Don’t say another word to me; first be obedient by making things right.” The teachings of Jesus hit us where we live. We cannot stand as impostors before Him for even one second." 

I was dividing and destroying my own family.  Were others involved too?  This doesn't matter....it never does.....I am only responsible for me.....my behavior and attitudes.  Oswald Chambers continues....."When Jesus drives something home to you through His Word, don’t try to evade it. If you do, you will become a religious impostor. Examine the things you tend simply to shrug your shoulders about......"  

Thankfully over the years since our mother's death although some scars remain...... we have grown together again as a family.  I am thankful that my son had the courage and conviction to speak up and glaringly show me what I was doing......and that God is able to heal the fractures of our lives if we are willing to obey His leading.

Be-Attitudes

http://utmost.org/am-i-blessed-like-this

This reading is about the Beatitudes from the Sermon on the Mount by Jesus.  It is talking about the attitudes of heart that we are to have in our lives and in interactions with God and others and these are upside down in our way of thinking.....to be poor in spirit, to be meek, to mourn, to hunger and thirst for righteousness, to be merciful, to have a pure heart, to be a peacemaker....and then finally to be consider yourself blessed when you are persecuted because of right living.....Oswald Chambers writes, "..the Beatitudes initially seem to be merely soothing and beautiful precepts for overly spiritual and seemingly useless people, but of very little practical use in the rigid, fast-paced workdays of the world in which we live". He continues, "The teachings of Jesus are all out of proportion when compared to our natural way of looking at things, and they come to us initially with astonishing discomfort. We gradually have to conform our walk and conversation to the precepts of Jesus Christ as the Holy Spirit applies them to our circumstances".

When Jeremy, our eldest son, was 13 he was involved in a terrible accident.  This impacted all of the family because Jeremy was profoundly injured and needed months in the hospital as well as rehabilitation, we were unable to return to Thailand to live so the two other children had to go to a new school while they were in shock with what had happened to their big brother and dealing with the loss of friends and normalcy for them too....everything had changed.   I spent every day at the hospital trying to deal with the ramifications of the incident on Jeremy and the rest of the family.  It was an exceedingly difficult time for all.

One day I received a phone call from the father of the young man who was driving the truck that hit and devastated Jeremy.  He said, "I am sending my son to the hospital to see you so he can understand what he has done to our family".  I couldn't believe what he was saying.  To their family???  I asked him not to do this but he said, "He is on his way and will be there soon".  He then hung up.  Not 5 minutes later I saw a young man standing in the hall with a cap on his head that was pulled down to cover his eyes....standing with his head down and I just knew it was this young man, J J.   Now in the past I know that I would have reacted horribly......focusing on what he had done to us.....but something had happened inside of me that I can only believe came from God changing my heart......  I went to the door and asked if he was J J and he said he was.  He told me exactly what his father had just said on the phone......this was some sort of punishment for this young man to see the results of his inexperienced driving and the accident......and I felt this overwhelming pity for him.  I remember putting my arm around him and asking if he was getting counseling....help for him to deal with the accident too.....he wasn't.  I encouraged him to get professional help but he said this was not how his family dealt with problems.  He began to ask me questions and tell me things he was concerned about and I remember just wanting him to go and get help for himself.  I asked him to do that and said good by.  

Why do I tell this?  Because I know this was not my normal reaction......but somehow I was compelled to extend mercy and grace to this young man who was suffering too......differently but still profoundly.  This is what I think this reading is about today...to have such a change in heart attitude that it naturally comes out in behaviors.  I believe this was exactly what was right attitude...the one from God.....on that day.