Who's Purpose Am I Serving?

http://utmost.org/the-brave-friendship-of-God

Bryan and I moved from Malang, East Java, Indonesia, to the capital, Jakarta in December 1978.  We moved into a lovely home but it was way out of town in a place called, Kabayoran Lama....translated old Kabayoran and we had only one car that Bryan drove each day to work.  I had a driver come if I needed to go anywhere but most of the time I stayed home.....I was also six months pregnant with our first child, Jeremy.

On New Years Eve Bryan took me to the Marriott Hotel for dinner.  While we were there we saw a family come in for dinner also.  Now the unusual thing about this family was when the wife, Lorraine, walked in....she had obviously had a stroke with residual loss of function of her right hand and right leg.  The family was happy and enjoying the time out.  The kids were young and no one showed any unusual concern about how Lorraine was going to eat her meal.  It was clear that this was not a new situation for her.  I continued to watch as they ordered their food and heard the husband say quietly, "Please cut her meat in the kitchen".  That was the only adaptation made.  It was warming to watch this sweet family enjoying time together in their normalcy of life.  The next Sunday we went to church and who should walk in but this same family, smiling and happy to be there.  

After we had settled into our home, I joined the ladies weekly Bible study and who was there?  Lorraine.  I couldn't help  and I it so went to her and introduced myself and told her I had seen her at several venues and was happy to meet her.  I think she was startled and perhaps thought I was a stalker of some sort....but in the 70's this wasn't a huge issue.....stalking....  We chatted and she was so excited when she found that Bryan worked for World Vision International.  They as a family, sponsored several children around the world.  We became good friends and she helped in ways you wouldn't imagine after Jeremy was born....but that is another story.

Because of her friendship and welcoming nature, I became involved in the ladies group and this led to the story today.....Oswald Chambers writes, "Oh, the bravery of God in trusting us! .....As long as you think that you are of value to Him He cannot choose you, because you have purposes of your own to serve. But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him “to Jerusalem” (Luke 18:31). And that will mean the fulfilment of purposes which He does not discuss with you."  I encourage you to read Luke 18:31 because this is when Jesus tells the disciples again that His purpose is to die and then rise again.....so to extrapolate from that to me.....the fulfilment of His purpose must mean that I die to my goals, purposes and plans and am raised again to His purposes.....and that likely I will know that I am not going to be comfortable with this.

For several years I worked with the pastors wives and we wrote Bible Studies for the women's group.  I came to know the ladies quite well and one day Caroline Robertson, a delightful British woman, came to me and asked if I would be willing to be on the committee working with the Christian Women's Club.  They were needing new people on this committee due to some moving away.  I thought since Caroline was so talented with administration and well spoken, she would be the new chairwoman and I would just have some minor role to begin with so I said yes.  When we met my name was put forth by Caroline as Chairwoman and I was voted into the position.  

Now you need to understand....Christian Women's Club was very well received across the church groups in Jakarta as well as the ladies that did not go to church.  The meeting was held at the Hilton Hotel Grand Ballroom and went like this.......meet and greet and have something to eat, call the women together....have some secular music, a program of interest in the community like a fashion show, wildlife talk or special visitor to perform......then religious music and a speaker with a focus on God after which the ladies would leave.  This would take about 3 hours and we met once a month.  The idea of getting up in front of 300 ladies at this venue was daunting and I was terrified.  I was also pregnant with my second son, Justin, at the time and tried to use that as a reason I should not be in front.  I'm sure that those of you reading this now......if you knew me.....would find this anxiety surprising......but at that time, it was really terrifying.  Before the first meeting I was to be in front we had time to pray and then were to go out to the stage......and I had to excuse myself and go to throw up in the bathroom.  This added to my anxiety.....what if I got sick on the stage???

Oswald Chambers continues, "We tend to say that because a person has natural ability, he will make a good Christian (leader). It is not a matter of our equipment, but a matter of our poverty; not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a matter of natural virtues, of strength of character, of knowledge, or of experience— all of that is of no avail in this concern. The only thing of value is being taken into the compelling purpose of God and being made His friends (see 1 Corinthians 1:26-31)."  I had written the order of the meeting on 3x5 cards with color coding....but somehow I shuffled the cards so I started with the cultural event and then went straight to the speaker who had a very touching story to tell.....during her speech I saw that I had forgotten the first music....a Broadway musical number....and so after this woman spoke and the room was hushed, I invited the singer to come and she did a really fast humorous song......I closed in prayer and she sang her religious song at the end. It was really sad because many of the women had been touched by the speaker but this was lost in the mix up of the music.  "As Christians we are not here for our own purpose at all— we are here for the purpose of God, and the two are not the same. We do not know what God’s compelling purpose is, but whatever happens, we must maintain our relationship with Him."

The committee met the next week and first on the agenda was what had happened at the community meeting.  I was well aware of the mess I had made of things.....they were aware of my throwing up in the bathroom prior to going onto the stage.....so I did what I believed was the best thing and I resigned.....  I do believe this surprised the ladies but since none of them wanted the postion, my resignation was not accepted.  I say this with tongue in cheek that it was only they didn't want to be the chairwoman.  Looking back at this, I see the hand of God on me....preparing me for other times of leadership.....making me well aware of the areas of inability and weakness....and causing me to draw more on Him during these times.  

Many years later in Bangkok I felt it was time for some other woman to become the head of the Encouraging Women's Group of about 70 ladies that met weekly for Bible study and socialization.  I had been in the position for a long time so with prayer and discussion with the other ladies, we asked Peggy Greer to take the position.  I saw the fear in her eyes and the anxiety that was there for several months as she headed up this group that so reminded me of my start in Jakarta.  It wasn't long before Peggy left Bangkok and moved to Singapore where she started another group to gather women together for Bible study and encouragement.  Oswald Chambers writes, "The most important aspect of Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the surrounding influence and qualities produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to give our attention to, and it is the one thing that is continually under attack."

Set Aside

http://utmost.org/the-compelling-purpose-of-God

Nearly everyday I pause and think about what my purpose is.  There there have been times when this seemed very easy to identify.....and it was usually surrounding whatever job I had at that moment.  I frequently find my goals and personal worth are tied closely to what I am to be doing......and it must be something of value.

There were years when I lived in Thailand and several of the ladies and I would get together and talk about...if only I had a job....a salary to call my own.....then I would be happy because I would be able to see my worth in the increase in responsibility and salary that would go with it.....  Now you need to remember that when living as an expatriate generally there are such benefits as a driver, house help, possible cook, built in childcare....and so on.....so to think that I would only be REALLY happy if I was also employed....it is ridiculous......  Furthermore, when looking at this reading today.....what I am doing or what makes me happy isn't the point at all.....but I am just saying....this is what I spend time thinking about in relation to where I am right now.  Oswald Chambers writes, "In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own. We talk so much today about our decisions for Christ, our determination to be Christians, and our decisions for this and that, but in the New Testament the only aspect that is brought out is the compelling purpose of God."  


So what about those years in Indonesia, the Philippines, Thailand and now in Angola?   Oswald Chambers continues, "We are not taken into a conscious agreement with God’s purpose— we are taken into God’s purpose with no awareness of it at all. We have no idea what God’s goal may be; as we continue, His purpose becomes even more and more vague."  These words I can identify with well here in Soyo.  I realize I continue to come back to what is happening right now....the delay and perhaps loss of the hope of working here with those at end of life.....to find a real purpose for being here.....  I have already spent more than two years with the hope, in prayer, in searching to see a way of doing something of value here.....for God and the people that need the assistance.....and apparently....at this time.....this is not what I should be focusing on.....so I try not to and to be patient and wait for God to reveal to me what He wants....but the purpose.....as Oswald Chambers says, becomes more and more vague....

Oswald Chambers continues, ".....we have our own ideas as to what God’s purpose is. We say, “God means for me to go over there,” and, “God has called me to do this special work.” We do what we think is right, and yet the compelling purpose of God remains upon us. The work we do is of no account when compared with the compelling purpose of God. It is simply the scaffolding surrounding His work and His plan."  So today.....here in Soyo......housebound with a cast on my leg for at least six more days.....what is my purpose?  What is His reason for bringing Bryan and me here?

Remember, Bryan did not apply for a job here in Angola.....he applied for one in Kazakhstan, Bangladesh, Australia and Texas.....but he was offered a job here in Soyo, Angola.....  To make it even more obvious that we were being sent here, Bryan was on a flight and could not be reached to confirm that he would accept this job....so it was accepted for him and his name was taken out of the other job possibilities......so we accept that this is where we are to be.....and the work is simply the scaffolding surrounding God's work and plan......and for Bryan, I can understand this thought.....and I am also aware that there is no wasted time in the kingdom of God.....  Clearly we have both been 'taken aside' at this time......and this is exactly what Oswald Chambers is talking about...."God takes us aside all the time."  I know that I desire to do what the Father sets in front of me to do.....even if it is waiting expectantly for His purpose to be revealed and in the mean time, continue writing and reflecting on what He has accomplished in the past.....even when I wasn't looking.....

Facing Adversity.....

http://utmost.org/the-teaching-of-adversity

Oswald Chambers begins this writing with this statement, "The typical view of the Christian life is that it means being delivered from all adversity. But it actually means being delivered in adversity, which is something very different."  I have written before of my own thoughts that somehow as a Christian, I would be protected from difficulty.....adversity....and what a shock it is to find that this is not true.  I have also written about the family life changing accident of our eldest son.....and there was a year of difficulty and adversity for all of us.....and so I have more thoughts on this.....

Once Jeremy was released from ICU he was moved to the rehabilitation floor of Children's Hospital of San Diego.  This was in the old part of the hospital and we went from Jeremy in one bed alone with a nurse to care for him to his being placed in a bed with two other children in the room and their families visiting.  At first I really hated this.  I felt it was intrusive and wanted to be in a private room......neither our insurance nor the doctor would allow this.  Once Jeremy was on this wing he had to participate in rehabilitation therapy.  He would be taken out of bed, put in a wheel chair that had a head support because he couldn't hold his head up yet......and they rolled him to the rehab rooms.  

Physical Therapy started as soon as Jeremy was able to respond to verbal cues.....and it was painful to watch although I don't believe it was painful to Jeremy......  In those 17 days in ICU he had become so thin and weak......we didn't realize at the time that the blood clot in the back of his brain was affecting his sight.  The physical therapist, Amy, who worked mainly with him was a tiny girl but amazingly strong.  She would put him on a mat and have him lift his legs and arms.  

I mentioned that when Jeremy was first injured many people from around the world called to give support.  It was amazing but Jeremy's best friend, Stephen Sheldon, from the International School in Bangkok, Thailand, was visiting family in San Deigo.  When his father who was in Thailand heard about the accident he called his wife and son to come to visit at the hospital.  I remember that when we were leaving that evening.....the second day participating in rehab......I told Jeremy, Stephen is coming to visit you tomorrow.  Now at this time Jeremy knew his Dad, sister and brother's names but called me Fred......so I told him the news of Stephen but never expected he would remember the next day......  In the morning when I arrived I asked him if he remembered who was coming today.....and he smiled and said, "Stephen".  I was amazed.  We were walking Jeremy in the wheelchair that held up his head to rehab when Stephen arrived.  He came in the door and just stopped.  He couldn't believe this was Jeremy.....he had changed so much.  The therapist continued to roll the chair to rehab and I went to Stephen and told him he didn't have to stay.....this was very hard.......but he composed himself and followed me into the physical therapy rooms.  Both of these boys were entering 9th grade......so very young.  Stephen continued to come every day while he was in the area and get down on the mat with Jeremy to encourage him to work hard with the exercises.  The last day came and Stephen was leaving......he told Jeremy he would come to say good by but called that morning and said he just couldn't do it.  Leaving Jeremy was so difficult for him......I did my best to comfort him.....and reminded him that it was the first thing Jeremy remembered from one day to the next.....the day he first came.  I told Jeremy that Stephen was too sad to come and Jeremy said, "ok".  

Remembering this once again fills me with the great sadness of those days.  I begin to remember the isolation of that time.....the feelings of hopelessness as we struggled to make it through each day....just as Jeremy was struggling to be able to become independently functioning again.  The incredible difficulties Justin and Amanda had in their schools and these events changed them forever......  Oswald Chambers writes, "If you are a child of God, you will certainly encounter adversities, but Jesus says you should not be surprised when they come. 'In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.' He is saying, 'There is nothing for you to fear.'"  This does not seem to make sense in times like the ones in which we were living.  But I am here to tell you that it is true..  Life is full of difficulties.....some beyond comprehension as you go through them and a feeling at times that God has forgotten us.....but it just simply isn't true.  Oswald Chambers continues, "God does not give us overcoming life— He gives us life as we overcome. The strain of life is what builds our strength. If there is no strain, there will be no strength."  

Jeremy stayed as an inpatient for a total of 90 days.  At that time he was considered well enough to go home and continue his therapy as an outpatient.  This brought its own set of increased pressure.  Amanda and Justin were in their schools and trying to survive there....they would then come home to their brother that was someone they didn't know.....He had been the one who cared for everyone and now he needed to be cared for.  Bryan was commuting to Thailand and returning for about a week to ten days every six weeks.  I was just trying to make it through each day.....so not a life of obvious victory......

When it was finally time to leave the hospital and start the outpatient rehab, the nurse practitioner asked me to go to lunch with her because she wanted to ask me a question.....I thought it was to ask if I wanted a job to be an advocate for other families going through what we were.....I guess I always think it is about a job.....  Instead she asked me this question, "What makes you so different from the other mothers in rehab?"  I was surprised.  I asked her to clarify what she meant by being so different and she said I was going through all that every other mother was going through but had a peace and serenity about me......  I had to think....The only time that I spoke most clearly about my trusting in the Lord to get me and the family through this was in ICU.....and we told the nurses there....and then once when the speech pathologist, Cindy, shared how the healing would take place and what to expect next.  She said that a child that has had a sweet personality like Jeremy may become aggressive and swear and act in a sexual manner.....I told her that God would not allow that....He would keep Jeremy with the personality that He had given him.....Those were the only two times that it was overt speaking about my trust in God's faithfulness. I'm sure they saw us pray with Jeremy each night before we left the hospital too.  Anyway, all I could say to her is that I know that no matter how difficult things are, God is not just with me.....but He is holding me up and making a way for me to stand in His strength.  She just looked at me and we finished lunch.  I'm not sure what she had expected me to say.....but it was true.....I could not have made that year without the strength from God.....Oswald Chambers writes....God never gives us strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the moment. Our temptation is to face adversities from the standpoint of our own common sense. But a saint can “be of good cheer” even when seemingly defeated by adversities, because victory is absurdly impossible to everyone, except God."

Lessons from Indonesia

http://utmost.org/learning-about-His-ways

Over the past few days I have been reading Oswald Chambers and finding that I didn't have anything to say nor any story to tell.  I think it was the issues I have been facing here in Soyo, Angola, that were not allowing me to stop and really think....because as I read this daily devotion today I immediately am reminded of how the three facets of this learning apply to when Bryan and I first moved overseas as a married couple.  

I had lived in Vietnam for 3 1/2 years before being evacuated to Australia in 1975.  I had grown as a person and with the Lord during those years and then met Bryan at the refugee ships in Guam, an island in the Pacific Ocean.  The following year we were married and Bryan began working for World Vision International.   During the training we travelled to New Zealand, Australia, Indonesia and Thailand and Bryan had worked for about 3 months overall.  I was looking forward to being assigned to Thailand because we knew people there and it was an easy place to live.  

Bryan came home very excited to tell me that we had been assigned and even before he could say the country I knew it wasn't Thailand but to......Indonesia.  My reaction to this news was less than supportive and Bryan was so excited.....I cried and said I didn't know if I could do this.....After a time, Bryan said that he would tell them we couldn't take that assignment if that is what I wanted....He was the one being supportive to me and I felt ashamed.....we both needed to support each other.....but it was hard to leave and go to a place where things were limited and I would be the only person in the town without a job.....Oswald Chambers writes, "When you obeyed and left all the consequences to God, the Lord went into your city to teach, but as long as you were disobedient, you blocked His way."  All the learning that both Bryan and I gained there would have been lost if I had not been willing to go......

Here are the issues I was facing.......before we were married I had been the one hired.....for my skills and it was up to me to decide if I would take this position.....or not......and now we needed to make a joint decision and my skill set was not even in the consideration.....it was humbling and frustrating for me.  Secondly, I had lived for an extended period in Vietnam......lived with the missionaries and learned culture.....and the language...somewhat.....Bryan had lived for one year on a military base in Vietnam and spoke the language much better than I...he was actually fluent..... but certainly in that year could not have learned much culture.......I was sure.

When we began our time in Indonesia.....during the internship.....I was correcting Bryan's interactions....making him aware of all the cultural things I was noting.....and generally 'taking charge'.  It was ugly and disrespectful but I didn't see it until one night in Bali, Bryan took me aside and said..."This isn't going to work if you don't begin to show me some respect.  You have been overseas longer than I but you need to allow me to learn my way and not try to interfere with my learning."   I must admit, I was shocked.....I was just trying to help......and establish that I had something to offer too, I think.....  Oswald Chamber writes about this...."Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert."  God is teaching us in every aspect of our lives and does not need my help in what He wants someone to learn.......Sadly, my children can attest to the fact that I have not learned this lesson very well regarding the way I want to council them at times.....

The third aspect of this devotional is, " “Wait on the Lord” and He will work (Psalm 37:34). But don’t wait sulking spiritually and feeling sorry for yourself, just because you can’t see one inch in front of you!.....Waiting is not sitting with folded hands doing nothing, but it is learning to do what we are told".  When we arrived in Java, Indonesia, we received our resident visas which read.....for my reason to be in Indonesia.......'ikut swami'.....follow my husband......I had to laugh.....  An in your face recognition that life was going to be different.....and who I was did not really matter to the government.......but did to me.  We moved into the back house of the country director, Gene Daniels and his family in the little town of Batu, East Java.  We stayed there for several months and then moved to our own home in the town of Malang...about 20 minutes down the mountain and much nearer the office.  Bryan's job was Relief and Development Directior for all 17,508 islands that make up Indonesia.  Approximately 6000 of these islands are inhabited.  He began travelling to the 6 major ones and was gone between 50-70% of the time.....so I had more than enough time to learn language, read, listen to music and learn to be alone.  I took up needlework to fill my days and to have something to put on our walls.  It was enjoyable and rewarding.  I knew that I could not spend my days waiting for something to happen and so spent a lot of enjoyable time with our house helper who helped me with my language study.  Was it difficult at times?  Absolutely!......but I learned to love Indonesia and the people and the time Bryan and I had together was encouraging and supporting each other....Before long there were other foreign wives who moved to Malang and it became easier when Bryan was gone for extended periods.

After two years we moved to Jakarta, the capital and there were many other wives there that had no job either.  Because I had learned a significant amount of Indonesia, I was able to find a job with the American Women's Club Registry for House Helpers.  This was very important for me.....even though it was volunteer.....my language ability had value that was recognized.  

Both of our sons were born in Jakarta and we grew to love the country and people even more.  It was very difficult when we were moved back to the United States and it made me smile to remember my resistance to move there in the first place.....As I reflect back on my journey I am becoming aware of the seasons of my life....the times that are busy and the times of quiet.....and I am thankful I have had both.....and found contentment most of the time.  

The Discipline of Language Study

http://utmost.org/becoming-entirely-His

The first paragraph of this reading is not hard to understand.  "Many of us appear to be all right in general, but there are still some areas in which we are careless and lazy; it is not a matter of sin, but the remnants of our carnal life that tend to make us careless"...."We should have no carelessness about us either in the way we worship God, or even in the way we eat and drink."  Anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder knows that the issue is something you come back to over and over......because it is a daily need.....to eat....but also a daily struggle....not to over eat.  So I was thinking that this would be a straight forward reading today....but Oswald Chambers is rarely easy to understand or simple for me......

Many times in our marriage Bryan and I have needed to learn a new language because we lived in a new country.  For Bryan it is rather easy for him.....the language acquisition portion of his brain is wide open and he learns quickly.....for me it is a greater challenge.....perhaps because I lack discipline.....  First it was Vietnamese, then Jarai, then Indonesian....which, by the way, was the easiest and quite closely related to the Jarai language from the highlands of Vietnam.....and then we moved to the Philippines and I was fooled.....I thought that since I had learned some Spanish in High School, I would fly through Tagalog since it has obvious similarities....  Instead I learned that Tagalog is an incredibly difficult language.....with prefixes and suffixes to many words......and to add to the discipline difficulty, most everyone spoke English in Manila so the impetus to learn was diminished.....  Finally we lived in Thailand and I learned enough Thai to be able to get around in the market and hold a very basic conversation.....

When Bryan and I were in Indonesia, he had to speak at a dinner with many staff and he chose to speak in Indonesian rather than have a translator.  I was pregnant with our first child, Jeremy.  Bryan got up and began to say who he was and what his job was.  Then he introduced me as his wife and that I was a nurse.  Everyone started laughing almost hysterically and Bryan had no idea what he had said.  Finally someone told him that instead of using the word 'Perawat' which means nurse, he had used the word 'Perawan' which means virgin.  And as I stood to greet everyone with my pregnancy quite advanced, this brought down the house with laughter......

So why am I telling you this.....first it is an amusing story and a reminder that we have many times when we learn something new that we are like a child.....making many mistakes but usually being treated with amusement and kindness by those around us......and now we are in Soyo.....needing to learn Portuguese.....and finding the discipline of language study a chore that I have not been committed to.  And now I am in my home with a cast on my leg.....and have a young Angolan girl coming to help me with the household needs....and she doesn't speak English and after 7 months, I don't speak Portuguese and I know clearly that although this is a simple example of being brought back to the need for discipline in my life.....it is a lesson I struggle with over and over......and so I am now housebound with the cast and have a real need to be able to speak to this girl.....and so have started with the language tapes again.....Oswald Chamber writes, "God will bring us back in countless ways to the same point over and over again. And He never tires of bringing us back to that one point until we learn the lesson, because His purpose is to produce the finished product."

Disillusionment.....Vietnam

http://utmost.org/the-teaching-of-disillusionment

The reading today is about disillusionment.  Oswald Chambers states, "Disillusionment means having no more misconceptions, false impressions, and false judgments in life; it means being free from these deceptions.  However, though no longer deceived, our experience of disillusionment may actually leave us cynical and overly critical in our judgment of others.  But the disillusionment that comes from God brings us to the point where we see people as they really are, yet without any cynicism or any stinging and bitter criticism."

As I have pondered this reading for several days, there has been one story that comes back to my thinking.  This again is a story that took place in Vietnam.

While I was working at the Children's Hospital outside of Danang during one staff meeting Dr. Long brought to our attention that medications were disappearing from the Pharmacy.  First he wanted to make sure we were signing them out as we should......you see the nurses would go into the pharmacy during the hours when the Pharmacist was not at the hospital....and get the medications that were needed for either the outpatients or the inpatients.  Dr. Long said that he had been noticing a steady loss of antibiotics and thought perhaps the local staff was taking them for a clinic they might have in their home.  This was a normal outreach in the community by medically trained staff but it was not acceptable to take medications or supplies from the hospital for a private clinic.  During this meeting there was discussion as to which of the staff it was believed might be taking the medications and how to stop this.

A few days later, Dr. Long called each of the nurses and said that we would need to take one shift at the gate as the staff were leaving to check their bags.  I recall the great anger I felt with this plan and told him that I was hired as a nurse, not a guard......I also said that I believed that if we treated the staff as thieves, they would have a great change in attitude......because at that time, when I knew I was being watched for times of going and coming to my house or the hospital......I set about being as inconsistent as I could be to make sure I was considered even more unacceptable than I believed those watching thought I was......and I figured the local nurses were about my age and would react as I had.....

Since we nurses were not willing to check people's bags, Dr. Long had to take this duty onto himself.  Now several outcomes were seen.  First, several of the nurses came to me in anger and said, "I have never stolen from the hospital but now I will start and just try to see how I do it."  It took some time to be able to deescalate the situation.  This also caused very hard feelings to be raised with the doctor.  

Here is the issue that was causing all the anger.  We could not run the hospital without the medications.  We were dealing with a Hemorrhagic Fever outbreak at that time and there was only one specific antibiotic to treat it and this was primarily the antibiotic that was disappearing.  The stealing had to stop and how do you do this without finding out who is taking the medications?  Oswald Chambers continues, "Many of the things in life that inflict the greatest injury, grief, or pain, stem from the fact that we suffer from illusions.   We are not true to one another as facts, seeing each other as we really are; we are only true to our misconceived ideas of one another. According to our thinking, everything is either delightful and good, or it is evil, malicious, and cowardly."   We as foreign staff felt a terrible aversion to the idea of having to basically mistrust everyone because of one person.  The local staff were very angry to be lumped in with a thief and not trusted when they were trustworthy and valued the trust.  And the doctor knew that he needed to have medications to treat the children of the area that needed treatment.

It took one day for the thief to be found out.  It was not any of the nurses......it was the pharmacist himself......he was taking the antibiotics putting them in the toes of his shoes and walking them out the gate.  Our doctor found this.  Quite honestly we were all shocked and I think I was the most.  I had even said, "We won't need to check the pharmacist when he leaves because he knows exactly how much medication it takes for each treatment and how hopeless it will be if we don't have enough medications left".  I was wrong......once again......

Oswald Chambers ends this writing with the following, ""Our Lord trusted no one, and never placed His faith in people, yet He was never suspicious or bitter. Our Lord’s confidence in God, and in what God’s grace could do for anyone, was so perfect that He never despaired, never giving up hope for any person. If our trust is placed in human beings, we will end up despairing of everyone."  This type of attitude would spare us so much grief and anger.  

Carrying Us When We Can't Stand.....

http://utmost.org/do-you-see-Jesus-in-your-clouds

When facing great difficulty, one of the ways I have found to get through it is to look for the end.....to see how soon I can get out of the circumstances and get my feet back on solid ground.  Of course I live during the difficult time but my eyes are always on the goal of returning to "normal".  When I was in Vietnam and it was difficult, I would know that I had X number of months and therefore could survive the difficulty.....because the end was in sight......distant at times but still I knew it was going to be coming within a certain timing......  With the need for Jeremy to have intensive medical care and months of rehabilitation.....the certainty of an end date was not there. 

I remember sitting at Jeremy's bedside for hours watching the monitors and leaving Bryan to care for the other two children.  I am fully aware now that I was abandoning the other children but I had this odd belief that if I just stayed at this bedside, Jeremy would not die.  No sense in this but that was my core belief at that time.  I am sure that my constant presence was difficult for the nurses and doctors but they were gracious and very protective of our family.  Then a social worker came to talk to me the day after the accident  to try to get us to begin making plans for an extended stay in the San Diego area.  Now I saw Jeremy on the respirator.....not responding.....with the doctors not giving a positive prognosis......but somehow when this woman came with the idea of our not returning to Thailand  on July 29th.....well I couldn't deal with that.  I remember telling her that we lived in Thailand and would be flying back at the end of July.....she would again say that we needed to make longer term plans to remain in this area....begin looking for schools for Amanda and Justin......and I would again refuse to listen.  Finally I told her that IF Jeremy was not able to get on the plane by July 29th, then we could talk.  Seemed so reasonable to me.....it was the hope that kept me able to keep everything together......she just walked away and never came back to help me again....Poor dear.  Bryan was more able to see reality and he began to look for alternatives to living in the waiting room......and this kept the other two children occupied too.

Before long we began to see the result of the pressure on Justin and Amanda.  Justin was angry and hurting.  After all, he had been with Jeremy, seen everything and been nearly hit by the truck also.  Amanda became the ultimate helper.  She hid from us how this was all affecting her at such a young age.  We spoke to a psychiatrist at the hospital and he recommended that we move both of the children to another living situation for a time and allow them a break from the uncertainty and pressure.  He also said that it was important for them to know that this was not their decision but ours as parents.  We spoke to friends in the Los Angeles area, the Pansings who took Justin for two weeks and McGuinness's where Amanda had been in childcare before agreed to care for her.  I remember clearly when we spoke to the children about their 'vacation' from the hospital.  Justin asked, "What if I don't want to go.....can I make that choice?"  I told him that this was our decision as parents and he needed to just go.  His response was surprising, He smiled and said, "Yes!!"  I think he was just overwhelmed with all the responsibility he was feeling and now going to be relieved from a huge decision.  He turned and left.  Amanda did not feel supported at all by this decision.....and it was very difficult for her to be away from us and Jeremy.

Over the next days we continued to pray and watch Jeremy make no progress it seemed.  Many friends came or called from around the world and we heard of people we didn't even know praying and asking their churches to pray for Jeremy's recovery.  It was so supportive and at times overwhelming for me.  The telephone operators at the hospital would call or hold calls depending on how we were doing.  I remember finally asking that they take messages and not put calls through one afternoon and a few minutes later the phone rang in the ICU room and the operator said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I think you might want take this call.....it is from some place called Cambodia".  Bryan was working for World Vision International at that time as the regional director for Indochina and Burma and the director from Cambodia was calling to give support.

This was also a time when loved ones trying to make sense of this tragedy would call and many times say things that were not helpful nor encouraging.  My mom called three days in a row to tell me that she and one of my sisters wanted to let me know that if I had just prayed the right words that day before Jeremy and Justin went out, the accident would have been avoided.  What I clearly heard was...I was to blame for the accident.  Now this does not make sense.....and for two of the days I just let it go and ended the call.....but by the third day I remember saying......"Look, if God is sovereign He could have prevented that truck from hitting Jeremy....but He didn't......so if you have a problem with this......take it up with God.....".  Oswald Chambers writes, "Clouds are the sorrows, sufferings, or providential circumstances, within or without our personal lives, which actually seem to contradict the sovereignty of God. Yet it is through these very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were never any clouds in our lives, we would have no faith."  

  

Jeremy was in the hospital for 90 days.  14 days on a respirator then he was ex-tubated and had 3 more days before he spoke or seemed to be at all aware of his surroundings. While he was on the respirator we would sometimes play 'thumb wars' with Jeremy before he would respond to other stimuli.  We would take his hand and begin the counting, "One-two-three-four, I declare a thumb war". And although Jeremy would not respond to any other stimulus, he would not only begin to respond to the thumb wars but also cheat and use his index finger to make sure he won....... The doctors could not explain this response......It was the 17th day after the accident we were getting ready to go for the night. I said goodnight to Jeremy and as always, "I love you".  The nurse and Bryan were standing right beside the bed and Jeremy whispered, "I love you too."  We wouldn't believe it.  It was a little like the movies.  We asked him, "What is your name?"  He responded, "J-e-r-e-m-y" as he spelled his name.  He did the same for Justin, Amanda and Dad and then became too tired to talk any longer.   He didn't speak again for several days but we finally knew that he was beginning to show significant recovery.  We were thrilled.  

For the weeks to follow we watched as Jeremy began to make measurable changes.  He would lay in the bed and mumble first numbers....."1-2-3......1-2-3" over and over and later he would be at "4-5-6" over and over and if we added "7" he would pause and return to "4-5-6".  Next came letters...."A-B-C.....A-B-C".....later, "M-N-O" over and over....and the staff told us this was him reorganizing his brain.....  It was amazing to watch and allowed us to focus less on the difficulties and more on the improvements...small as they were.  

Oswald Chambers continues, "It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something. His purpose in using the cloud is to simplify our beliefs until our relationship with Him is exactly like that of a child ....and where other people are but shadows."  We resisted when Jeremy was suddenly moved from the high tech area of ICU to the oldest part of the hospital.....rehabilitation......but could not change this move.  We then held on to the rehab staff and what they had to teach us to be prepared for the changes that would be coming in Jeremy....and to the other families that were in Jeremy's room.....who's children had also been involved in accidents and were also significantly injured.  But above this was a desperate need to hold on to God.....to trust Him to heal Jeremy and to hold us during this terrible time.  I do not know how we would have survived without a deep belief in the sovereignty of God during this.  I am thankful that we already had been through difficulties and found that He is faithful and will carry us through..... 

Finally, Oswald Chambers writes, "There is a connection between the strange providential circumstances allowed by God and what we know of Him, and we have to learn to interpret the mysteries of life in the light of our knowledge of God. Until we can come face to face with the deepest, darkest fact of life without damaging our view of God’s character, we do not yet know Him."